I love this quote! :)

"The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand, as playing a poor hand well." --HT Leslie

"Addiction"... It's my middle name

One month ago today, I decided to take back control of my life. Control that I haven't had since I was 12 years old. One month ago today I quit smoking.

I had always hated smoking. I was a total Cigarette hypocrite stuck in an addicts body. I hated the way it made me look, I hated the way it made me smell, I hated the way people thought I was a "lessor" person in society because of the fact that I smoked. Whenever I went to a restaurant, I always sat in non-smoking. I couldn't stand hearing the people hack. Not to mention the constant smell of cigarettes.

Now don't get me wrong, I was a complete addict. I had a pack a day habit for way over 20 years. Everyday buying cigarettes. And if I was out?? Watch Out! Hell have no furry like a woman out of cigarettes!

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out my fate when the time comes. God will give me a big fat "I told you so".

As you had read, I started smoking when I was 12 years old. I had a girlfriend that smoked and she wanted me to smoke too. Yup, I gave into pure pressure. She was my age and smoked in front of her mom, her mom didn't care. Speaking of parents.... At that time both my parents smoked. They had first found out about my smoking when I was in 7th grade. When I got suspended from Jr. High (for a day) for being caught smoking in the bathroom. They were NOT happy. They were downright pissed off to put it bluntly! I'm surprised they didn't make me eat their ashtray right then and there. They urged me not to smoke. Told me how addictive it was. But did I listen??? Of course not. My second "offense" was when I got suspended (for another day) a week after the first suspension for smoking insight of the school. I spent a lot of time grounded for those two offenses.

I was 19 years old and visiting some relatives in Canada on Christmas, when my mother finally accepted the fact that I smoked. I was so embarrassed to do it front of her. I remember hiding behind the Christmas tree (it was fake) smoking out of sight from her.

Life went on and my nagging habit followed me where ever I went. The decisions I had made throughout my life, whether good decisions or bad- Smoking was my constant. Smoking helped reduce my stress, it helped me calm my nervousness, it helped kill boredom. And if I was mad, it even helped me hurt the people that loved me most. Sometimes I smoked only because I knew it bothered the people I was with. It was my silent way of telling them I didn't care about their opinions/feelings. I smoked when I was sad. I felt I deserved the hurt and deserved to die just that much sooner. I was self abusive, butchering myself with cigarettes... Not suicidal.

I had tried to quit smoking once when I was 17 years old. It lasted for a couple of weeks, until one night I got the shocking news that my parents were in a very serious car accident. My rampant emotions caused me to run right back to smoking again. Seriously quitting had not crossed my mind until just this past year. I had learned about a new product that came out called the Electronic Cigarette.

I thought for sure that would become my savior. It had the sensation of smoking, it gave you nicotine, and it didn't "burn" anything- eliminating the toxins that I inhaled with conventional smoking. These fancy new fangled things didn't come cheap- $100.00 later... Yeah, it didn't work. As badly as I wanted to convert- it just wasn't the same as lighting up the old fashioned way. I tried again to quit a few months ago, and I managed to make it a whopping 7 days before something "traumatic" in my life turned me right back to my trusty, always constant, cigarettes.

I had been thinking quite a bit about my life: past/present, my choices, and my addictions. I realize I am an addictive person. I get addicted to things easily. For instance, I like to crochet. Most people that like to crochet, make a thing or two and put it away. I will crochet everyday for months on end. I like to read. Most people will read a little here or a little there. I will read everything I can get my hands on and if I don't watch it, it will consume my life. I have been addicted to people. Always pining for my next "fix" of their attention. The good news is that I'm pretty self absorbed these days- so no worries there! All I can say is Thank Heaven's I don't like to drink!

After thinking about my life, and my habit- I decided that if I don't quit and quit for good. I will not see my daughter get married, or my son graduate from HS. A 20+ year pack a day habit doesn't come without a price. Not to mention from a vanity sense, I notice quite a few deep premature wrinkles I have on my face due to the poison I had been subjecting my body to. And call me self-centered, but I'm quite fond of my pretty face!

So.. one month ago, I got up in the morning- Smoked a cigarette... and said "enough was enough". And I have never looked back. It's strange to not smoke. It hasn't been easy, but yet it hasn't been hard either. It has its moments when it raises it's ugly head and beckons to me. But no matter how mad, sad, nervous, bored, happy, excited, frustrated, I may be at the time...
I refuse to give in.

The sick part is that neither of my two children have ever known me NOT to smoke. The four year old I can understand, but hearing the 16 year old say that- it really hits home. People ask me all the time now if I can smell / taste better? I can smell other people who smoke, I can smell smoke in houses people smoke in (as soon as I open the door!). As for taste- It's amazing all the crap I ate, that I now realize actually tastes like CRAP! I think to myself, why the Hell did I ever eat that?? -And like it??

I think my greatest wake up was when I realized I had lung capacity! I can take really deep breaths without coughing. I can hike up stairs without feeling short of breath!

With my new found freedom I had decided to do something positive with my time. I joined a gym. I'm very worried about the weight gain that is coming from quitting. I cannot afford to be any bigger! It has been proven that nicotine burns calories. And without it, and with my already lethargic state...

I figured the gym is one addiction that would actually be good for me!

Washing Pot

OK, I have a new appreciation for BRAND NEW. I decided to be environmentally savvy this year, and I purchased 200 hundred (Yup, that's Two Hundred Damn Many!) 4" USED Nursery Pots. The plus side to this decision is that I saved TONS of money by buying used, and I get to keep two hundred pots out of a landfill. The downside is that I have to wash and bleach all of the old, used dirt out of them as to not spread disease to my newly born "plantlings".

Sounded like a great idea at the time... Now? Not so much. I breezed through the first 50 pots thinking "this is not so bad". Now I'm at pot 100. Yup, this job sucks. And to top it off I have to find space to put all of these damn pots to DRY. I am starting to feel like a 9 year old cup stacking champion!... Unstack, wash, air dry, re stack.

In between washing, I started transplanting a few of the tomato seedlings this morning. 5 down, 90 to go! (I better buy stock in potting soil for this job) I stopped at 5 because my indoor greenhouse is already packed to the gills with hundreds of seedlings, and my outdoor greenhouse (that I started building last fall) -STILL- isn't complete. All the glass work is done, but I have to finish enclosing it in a couple of spots, and get the wood stove installed. Ideally, I would love to heat it by pellet stove- But I already own a wood stove that's not being used.

My greenhouse is a fair size (16 feet long, 8 feet wide, 8 feet high) and should work out beautifully when done! I did the math to heat it with electricity- it would cost me $33.00 / day! INSANE!!

But you know, they do say that heating a greenhouse is like turning on the furnace in the dead of winter, and opening up all of your doors and windows. It doesn't help my case that my glazing is single pane glass either.

Oh well... Do what you can with what you have is what I always say!

I better stop rambling and get back to washing my pot......

My Own Stupid Humor...

Sometimes I make myself laugh! (Yep, Cheap thrills!)

I just have to share my latest Facebook status update:

"""SO... (my funny for the day!) Today I joined the YMCA. And right after I joined, I went for lunch at McDonald's! I just find that to be funny! I don't know what inspired me to eat there-
I don't eat that crap- EVER! I got fat on my own accord- Not from McDonald's! LOL!"""

HAR!!!

Have a good day everyone! :)

When the "Aha!" Moment comes too late

A year ago, our family had received a small herd (8) Boer Goats from some friends of ours. It consisted of: 3 mature does, 4 doelings and 1 baby buckling. The year went by pretty much without incident. A couple of the does even went to the local county fair! Everyone was eating and the young ones were growing by leaps and bounds, except for that buckling. He had always been what I called my "problem child". He was always sickly, always had a runny nose and gooky eyes, he had never been very thrifty, and never ate the greatest. Structurally, he was small framed and lacked muscling. He definitely wasn't growing up to look like the best buck on earth. But I really liked the lil bugger, and I watched over him constantly. I always made sure he was inside the shelter when it rained, or that he was up in the barn once winter set in. Like everyone else- He was always up to date on everything needed... When the unthinkable happened...



It was two weeks ago when we had noticed he was feeling "under the weather". He was sullen, lacked appetite, and he had thick nasal discharge(again). We took his temperature (it came back normal) and decided that something was up with him and started him on Penicillin. We would normally not give Penicillin to an animal that doesn't have a fever (sign of infection) but we figured in case his body did have a need, he would have it. I also gave him a dose of dewormer. Knowing how susceptible goats are to parasites, and with living in an enclosed pen in the barn- I figured it wouldn't hurt. Of course my thinking was that if he had a parasite overload that it could be what's making him dull. And I thought that with both the Pen. and the dewormer on board, that he should be back on track in no time.

A another day goes by, all without any real change. We see him nibble at a bit at his hay, but he wasn't really interested in the small amount of grain he gets. Yet another day goes by without any change. We are just stumped. I am on the computer non stop searching for answers. On the 4th day of all of this- I'm so stumped that I go outside and sit there and just watch him, trying like mad to figure out what on earth is wrong with him. He doesn't look like he's "dying", heck! most people prob. wouldn't even notice something was wrong to begin with!

And as I watch him, it hits me! (Like a 2x4 across the lookers!) And then I start to panic. Because I KNOW that I am too late. As I run into the house I'm cursing myself the entire time- WHY? WHY? WHY didn't I notice this days ago!



He isn't able to urinate!!!



I quickly ran inside the house and grabbed every veterinary resource I had that pertained to urinary blockage & urinary calculi. I was frantic, because I knew time was ticking and it was quickly ticking against me. I was already days too late. I was massively pissed at myself because I didn't catch this sooner, and to top it off I had no Banamine to administer for pain and inflammation (stupid me didn't get it refilled over the summer when I ran out).



I immediately put a call into the local farm vet. A system where you call the main office, state your claim: "I have a buck goat with a blocked urinary tract", and then hang up and wait for the on staff field vet to call back. Absolutely amazing that they are always insanely busy when you need them the most- Murphy's Law. An hour later when the call did come in, I was already versed on every detail of this obstruction. I had already known my options, and most importantly knew that this wasn't going to end good. We discussed surgery, which the vet explained the results after surgery are usually poor, and the animal dies anyway- so that option was out. We pretty much agreed that it is the end of the road for this poor boy. And so we said our Goodbye's and we disconnected.



Needless to say I didn't disconnect without getting my injectable Banamine prescription filled first! I work hard at not being naive when it comes to injury and illness of my animals, the vet's see this trait in me too so I do not have a problem getting the -by prescription only- drugs that I need for the farm. I just have to remember to pick them up!!! Grrrrrr.



Anyway, I was still in my mental panic. I had already talked to my husband about my findings and it was arranged that when he got home he would "do the deed" (something I don't do). In the meantime, I had five hours from then until kill time. I just couldn't sit back and do nothing. I knew at the time that it wasn't yet a complete block because his belly fur and sheath fur were wet. But it was blocked enough because his bladder would spasm and he would strain to urinate and nothing would come out. I immediately removed him from all feed and water. And put him in a place that I could see if he had urinated.



From endless hours of research, I had learned that as a last ditch effort you could try administering Ammonium Chloride orally. The claim is that the A.C will break up the urinary calculi. I also had learned that their are 4 major parts on a male goat (and sheep) that the calculi can get lodged and become blocked. I won't go into detail as to where along the urinary tract they are- or what you can try and do for the most common location.. but do know this- I did what it suggested. And I will leave that part at that.



Anyway, there I was.. On a desperate hunt for Ammonium Chloride. I called the vet's office: Nope, they don't carry it. I learned that you can use it as preventative for this condition and use it as a feed additive, and so I called our local feed mill: Nope, they didn't carry it. So I quickly got into the car to try my local farm store. Knowing darn well they don't carry weird things like that either. Yup, I was right, they didn't carry it either. I was really starting to get frustrated. I kept thinking of the name.. "Ammonium Chloride..." Gosh, that sounds like some kind of poison?? Sounds like something one would try to blow up a Federal Building with (of course I had learned later that it wasn't THAT that did that horrible job years ago). I searched the fertilizer isle, nothing. I searched the cleaning product isle- Nothing, even though I did manage to find lots of products with that chemical in it, but all were too caustic when it came to digestion! I left the store feeling defeated. All I could think about was that I was running out of time. And then it hit me... And I made the call. YES!! They have it!! Where did I call? A local specialty hobby store! Where you can buy model cars and planes and SCIENCE KITS! What on earth made me think of that store, one will never know!



Got the product, went home to figure out the dosage (Thank GOD I graduated Paramedic School years ago! Because drug dose calculations can be complicated!) Thank heavens that I once bought a high-end Swiss made digital food scale or measuring the dose would have been impossible! Years ago, I had big intentions on measuring the food I ate in order to lose weight (that never happened!). The scale was great because it could measure in pounds, ounces and GRAMS. I measured out the 10 grams of product I needed, and gave it to him asap.



With the Banamine on board, and the A.C. It gave me a thing called "Hope". I prayed that this would work. I had faith in the course of action, the Banamine would mask the pain, and relax the bladder from spasming. The Ammonium Chloride would have a chance to break down the mineral causing the blockage. The hope is to not rupture the bladder. Once rupture happens, they are A.D.D (all done dancing), the urine travels loose around the body cavity and as infection starts in- they die of septic shock.



I did give it past the designated "kill" time to take effect. I actually kept it up for another day and a half. He seemed stable, and wasn't in any pain. The medication took care of that.



This all ended when I checked on him a following morning and realized that his condition was not improving but actually worsening. I noticed that it had now become a total block (dry belly fur, dry bedding) and he was starting to get a "water belly" appearance. I knew I could not give him anymore oral medication. Even a measly 30cc's of water is too much water in an already full bladder. And even if the blockage did only dislodge and not break down, there were prob. 30 more waiting in line just to take it's place. It was time to say our Goodbye's and toss the cards on the table in defeat.



"Hope" is a funny thing. I think that is what really separates us humans from the animal gene pool. Animals use natural selection, we humans save things with "Hope". Even when we knew there wasn't anymore that could be done, you always want to give it just a few more minutes, "Hoping" that the dam would break and he would miraculously start to urinate while you were standing there staring at him.

When I did the Necropsy, I learned that no matter how long we stared at him, he wasn't ever going to start to urinate. He had already ruptured his bladder. I'm almost certain that with the volume of urine that I had found running rampant inside, that this had prob. occurred way before my futile attempt to clear the block had even began. I also learned that the bladder on a goat is roughly the size of my small female fist (or the size of a large lemon). That's a very useful piece of knowledge for the future. I checked 2 out of 4 locations on the urinary tract for calculi. One location had quite a few pieces of what looked almost like "sediment" sand, white in color. I did not check the other two because they were located high up in a position on the body that warranted me saying "what's the point".

You may find yourself thinking that I am "gross" or "twisted" because I do Necropsy's. I cannot begin to tell you how much knowledge I have gained by performing them. I do not get a "kick" out of doing these. It is used as a learning tool. I can do these things quickly and precisely because I have already studied the "map" of where I am looking to go prior to starting. I am weird in the sense that I do not let the other animals "watch" (I think it's cruel).

The big question for me in all of this has been "Why". Why did this happen? The claim is that if you have a urinary calculi situation it should be a wake-up call regarding your feeding program. It is said that the calculi build up is formed because your feeds calcium to phosphorus ratio is out of balance. It is also said to be caused by feeding a high grain diet. And lastly, it could come down to genetics. That genetically he had a smaller than average urinary tract. This condition is common mainly in male sheep/goats/cats due to the shape of their urinary tract. Females do not get this condition because of their much larger tract and the fact that its path is straighter.

Here's what is weird for me- We have never had this issue before (hence, why it didn't even cross my mind when it first started), and not much has changed in regards to our feeding program. I have been breeding and raising sheep here for the past 8 years, including lots of wethers on a high grain diet, and multiple rams- all without incident. And with the buckling, he had never been fed a lot of grain. He was mainly on a hay diet. Then it got me to start thinking what about our water? Our well water is off the charts on iron and hardness. Could this be the culprit? Then I started to think about genetics.. I know that this buck's daddy had died unexpectedly one winter (I didn't own him)- what did he die from?

Yes, this ordeal definitely was a wake-up call. It forced me to scrutinize my feeding program. It also has brought my knowledge base up on a condition that I never have had to deal with before. All with the hopes I can educate others and of course never have it happen here again.

Welcome 2011!

Boy oh Boy! It sure has been awhile since I have posted anything on here. I really should try to get back into the swing of things and keep this up to date!
Lord knows it is never a dull moment around here- I could probably write for days with all of the "happenings" that occur!

So... Let me get started!

Here are the pictures of this year's club lamb

Hi everyone! Sorry I have not been on in FOREVER! We are fast approaching County Fair time again-

I'm posting a couple of pictures of this year's club lamb. I have some out of town friends that for SOME reason are not getting my picture emails-

His name is "Rock". When he braces, his rump is like stone! We are just THRILLED to actually have a competitive lamb for this year. It has only taken our family FIVE years of breeding to finally get our program figured out. Talk about a learning curve! ;) Wish us luck at the fair!