Wow! I can't believe I actually "cussed" in the title! Oh well, I guess if Hollywood can name a movie "Kick Ass"- I can use that word once... Or perhaps I should say; If the GLOVE fits, wear it!
Of course the day started out like any other; wake up, drink some java, have a chat with my kids...
But today's topic of early morning conversation was a little different from the norm. My daughter and I were talking about TESTICLES.
A few months back, we had purchased two bull calves to raise as food. Seeing we name all of our steers "Stew", these two are *technically* Stew 6 & Stew 7. We name them that not because we couldn't eat them if they had "normal" names, it just has become tradition- and kinda comical! People say to me all the time "Awww, I don't know how you could raise/eat them? They are so cute!" Well they may be cute when they only weigh 100lbs, but like most things in life- they grow out of their "cuteness" and become a real P.I.T.A when they are 1200+lbs. Plus, my heart has become hardened over the years. My days of crying my eyes out when it came time to butcher Stew 1, begging and pleading how much I loved him- Are long gone. Now I actually can't WAIT to ship them off when the time comes!
Anyway,
We don't de-horn our calves anymore. It just doesn't make sense to put them through the pain when they are only here for 15 months. Their horns don't grow THAT big in such a short amount of time (only about 3" long). But we of course DO castrate them. Steers are retarded enough on their own accord, always trying to "mount" anything that moves- Having the added testosterone on them would make them even more a nightmare.
Our method of choice for castrating any male animal (besides horses & pigs- both require open castration) has always been the banding method. For those not familiar, "banding" is where you take a banding gun (it's not a "gun" it's more like a funky pliers), and a super strong little doughnut shaped rubber band (it looks just like a cheerio). You place the rubber band on the banding gun, squeeze the handles, and the little cheerio spreads opens big enough (about 2" of opening) for you to place the testicles through. Once the testicles are through, you pull them (both testicles) down and place the rubber band up to where the scrotum meets the body. Gently pop the rubber band off the banding gun.. and PRESTO! Done! Over time, the little bag of goodness loses circulation (like a rubber band on your finger), dries up, and falls off.
Simple right??
Not when you let the animal grow a bit first! As they grow so does their... Er??.... "Nether parts". And then when you finally remember that you still need to band the calves, you sit there scratching your head, bander in one hand, testicles in the other and wonder; HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FIT *THAT* THROUGH THIS SMALL HOLE?? Envision trying to stuff a lemon through the peep hole of your front door- and you will know how I felt! (slight exaggeration, but you get the gist!)
Did I mention I'm not a fan of the Bovine family??
AKA: I hate them. To be Frank, I'm actually afraid of them. I do not like jumpy, large, stupid steers. I find them to be the dumbest animals on earth. They are solely autonomic animals, seeming to lack any form of learning capabilities or reason. (great.. now I'm going to get blasted by every cow lover on the planet with THAT statement!) Bovine also have the stealthy ability to kick you in every direction possible with their back feet too!
Have I mentioned *I've* never personally banded anything before??
So... There I was (nervous), bander in hand...My daughter holding the front half, while I was fondling the back end testing the waters (so to say) to see if it was going to kick me a good one. With all systems a go, I grabbed them, gently slid them through, slid up the band, and popped it off the gun. GOLDEN! No kicking, no big production. The steer was oblivious to what just happened. Calf number 2 went off without a hitch too. Cake!
Then I looked back at calf number 1 and I started to wonder if I should not have put the band up higher to the body. As I was walking to grab another band, I kept thinking about the old game show "Press Your Luck". I've made it through two times already without getting kicked, and now I want to re-band the first one and do it again??? On top of it, the element of surprise is now gone too.
*Spins wheel* No Whammies!! No Whammies!! No Whammies!!
As I'm repeating step one, I'm focusing harder than EVER on my job... Get it right this time, don't get kicked, be quick... And then....
Of course the day started out like any other; wake up, drink some java, have a chat with my kids...
But today's topic of early morning conversation was a little different from the norm. My daughter and I were talking about TESTICLES.
A few months back, we had purchased two bull calves to raise as food. Seeing we name all of our steers "Stew", these two are *technically* Stew 6 & Stew 7. We name them that not because we couldn't eat them if they had "normal" names, it just has become tradition- and kinda comical! People say to me all the time "Awww, I don't know how you could raise/eat them? They are so cute!" Well they may be cute when they only weigh 100lbs, but like most things in life- they grow out of their "cuteness" and become a real P.I.T.A when they are 1200+lbs. Plus, my heart has become hardened over the years. My days of crying my eyes out when it came time to butcher Stew 1, begging and pleading how much I loved him- Are long gone. Now I actually can't WAIT to ship them off when the time comes!
Anyway,
We don't de-horn our calves anymore. It just doesn't make sense to put them through the pain when they are only here for 15 months. Their horns don't grow THAT big in such a short amount of time (only about 3" long). But we of course DO castrate them. Steers are retarded enough on their own accord, always trying to "mount" anything that moves- Having the added testosterone on them would make them even more a nightmare.
Our method of choice for castrating any male animal (besides horses & pigs- both require open castration) has always been the banding method. For those not familiar, "banding" is where you take a banding gun (it's not a "gun" it's more like a funky pliers), and a super strong little doughnut shaped rubber band (it looks just like a cheerio). You place the rubber band on the banding gun, squeeze the handles, and the little cheerio spreads opens big enough (about 2" of opening) for you to place the testicles through. Once the testicles are through, you pull them (both testicles) down and place the rubber band up to where the scrotum meets the body. Gently pop the rubber band off the banding gun.. and PRESTO! Done! Over time, the little bag of goodness loses circulation (like a rubber band on your finger), dries up, and falls off.
Simple right??
Not when you let the animal grow a bit first! As they grow so does their... Er??.... "Nether parts". And then when you finally remember that you still need to band the calves, you sit there scratching your head, bander in one hand, testicles in the other and wonder; HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FIT *THAT* THROUGH THIS SMALL HOLE?? Envision trying to stuff a lemon through the peep hole of your front door- and you will know how I felt! (slight exaggeration, but you get the gist!)
Did I mention I'm not a fan of the Bovine family??
AKA: I hate them. To be Frank, I'm actually afraid of them. I do not like jumpy, large, stupid steers. I find them to be the dumbest animals on earth. They are solely autonomic animals, seeming to lack any form of learning capabilities or reason. (great.. now I'm going to get blasted by every cow lover on the planet with THAT statement!) Bovine also have the stealthy ability to kick you in every direction possible with their back feet too!
Have I mentioned *I've* never personally banded anything before??
So... There I was (nervous), bander in hand...My daughter holding the front half, while I was fondling the back end testing the waters (so to say) to see if it was going to kick me a good one. With all systems a go, I grabbed them, gently slid them through, slid up the band, and popped it off the gun. GOLDEN! No kicking, no big production. The steer was oblivious to what just happened. Calf number 2 went off without a hitch too. Cake!
Then I looked back at calf number 1 and I started to wonder if I should not have put the band up higher to the body. As I was walking to grab another band, I kept thinking about the old game show "Press Your Luck". I've made it through two times already without getting kicked, and now I want to re-band the first one and do it again??? On top of it, the element of surprise is now gone too.
*Spins wheel* No Whammies!! No Whammies!! No Whammies!!
As I'm repeating step one, I'm focusing harder than EVER on my job... Get it right this time, don't get kicked, be quick... And then....
Ain't Karma A Bitch.
No comments:
Post a Comment