The Secret Life of A Server

Meanwhile, back in the world of slinging food for cash...

I will never go back to being a mindless, cooped up, drone, working 8 hours a day in a cubicle. I love the freedom that comes with being a server.  I love meeting new people. I love having a mind of my own. I love "Smiling For $$'s" .... And I LOVE Making Bank!

Being a server is somewhat like being an actress. You always have to be in character.  I actually got "busted" by a customer recently at work when my character slipped. I was wandering aimlessly through the restaurant lost in my own thoughts when I heard the familiar "Ma'am?" As soon as I heard that word my automatic smile went back to work seeking out the caller. And then I heard "Well look at that, as soon as I call her, she smiles!". I was Soooooo busted.  I learned from that point on, whatever may be running through my head- Wear the smile while out on the floor!

Unfortunately, I'm not ALWAYS happy. I am only an imperfect human. I have bad days too. Sure, I may be on my best behavior in front of you, but it doesn't mean that on my bad day I won't complain about your millionth want which sent me on my millionth trip to your table (because you can't seem to get your shit together) to my co-worker friends in the back room. (and btw- think about that the next time you are out to eat.. and are endlessly demanding...)  Of course I would never be nasty, or sabotage any of your entrees in a gross way, but on a bad day I may just have a few choice words to say when you are out of ears reach!

Like just recently, when this cranky woman demanded to me in a degrading way that her Rice Pudding be piping hot or else she won't take it.  I cheerfully left the table to fetch the dessert.  All while telling my co-worker chum about her latest demand, and then following up with a "Why don't I just light the Bitch on Fire" as I nuked the shit out of her pudding for Maximum Hotness.  I think that piping hot pudding fried off her tongue, because she didn't have anything to demand after that.

Ok, Ok, OK!! I'm REALLY not the *Server Devil* I swear!!

Besides, that was an isolated incident. I'm rarely rattled. I have thinker skin than that.  She just happened to rub me wrong.

But I can't say that the job isn't fun. It is a boat load of fun!!!

Like the time I was waiting on what I deemed as the world's most cutest senior couple. They were great! So full of life, you could tell they loved each other dearly, each had a heart of Gold and a whit to match.  I walked up to take their drink order after they were seated and the sweet little old man says to me: "Hey... I bet your name is Tanya because I'm a Psychic!" and of course I replied with "Hey... I'm not a natural Blonde and I know that you just read my name tag!" he then giggled.

Or the time when a group of 8 men were having a lunch meeting and the one ordered our "Low Cal" breakfast... Each of the men jokingly haggled him because of his bland, choice of food. So when their order came up in the kitchen, I walked over to an empty cardboard box, ripped off a section and put it on a clean empty plate. I carried the food out, served all seven, and then served that low cal guy the plate of cardboard instead.  They all laughed and wished one of them had a camera.

Then there was the time that in a group of 4, one of the men had an uncanny resemblance to my father.  They were a great set of couples! They came in to get their "Sugar on" having just desserts.  Before they ate, I had to give "smart phone lessons" to the one husband, he was trying to get through his emails.  But after they were finished, I pulled out my phone and told the other gentleman how I found his long lost brother- pulling up a photo of my dad. They couldn't BELIEVE the resemblance!  And then to show my own father that I found HIS long lost brother, I sat down in the booth with them and took pictures of us. What a fun time! As they were leaving, he gave me his email address and asked me if I would email him the picture of us, and the pic of my dad so he could show his other friends. Good times...

The good news is that out of all the dishes I have served customers, I haven't dropped any food yet.  Notice the word "Yet". It's not a matter of *YET*, it's a matter of *WHEN* in my profession. My only hope is that I don't drop it on SOMEBODY.  Been there done that at past serving jobs.. I've spilled soda, marinara, coffee, and tarter sauce on customers. 

But speaking of dropping things... 

Oh boy, here we go... I have only told one person this story.. but here goes nothing!!

I wear a pager. The kitchen pages each of us when our orders are ready to be brought out of the kitchen to the table. I used to (note the words: USED TO) wear my pager attached to my apron string behind my back.  One day, I had to use the restroom. Ok, I will be blunt- I had to pee. After I was done, I stood up to re dress and then I heard it....

"TINK-TINK SPLOOCH!"

You have GOT to be kidding me!!!

While I was tucking in my shirt, my pager decided to go spelunking .  Into the toilet it went. There it sat, in the bottom of the bowl I JUST peed in. I was mortified!! I stared at it dumbfounded.  I didn't know WHAT to do. My first reaction was to flush it down.  But I didn't. My next thought was ewwwwwe I don't want to stick my hand in pee in order to get it out!! I don't care that it is my OWN pee!  

I was stuck.

I didn't want to touch the pee, or the pager, and I didn't have enough guts to go tell someone what had just happened either!!

So I had to suck it up, and retrieve the pager. 

I think its demise wasn't from taking a pee plunge, but the 3 minutes of disinfecting in the sink that I did to it afterwards that sent it to it's death!

After it was dried off I clearly noticed it wasn't working and needed a new one for the rest of my shift. 

Great, now I have to say something as to why I needed a new one.. 

So I turned it in, and told my boss that it doesn't work because....

I "dropped" it.

No further explanation needed.

My Motto?
Never trust a pager on a suicide mission.
(I wear it in front now)