The Shit Gauntlet

Wow! I can't believe I actually "cussed" in the title! Oh well, I guess if Hollywood can name a movie "Kick Ass"- I can use that word once... Or perhaps I should say; If the GLOVE fits, wear it!

Of course the day started out like any other; wake up, drink some java, have a chat with my kids...
But today's topic of early morning conversation was a little different from the norm.  My daughter and I were talking about TESTICLES.

A few months back, we had purchased two bull calves to raise as food.  Seeing we name all of our steers "Stew", these two are *technically* Stew 6 & Stew 7.  We name them that not because we couldn't eat them if they had "normal" names, it just has become tradition- and kinda comical!  People say to me all the time "Awww, I don't know how you could raise/eat them? They are so cute!"  Well they may be cute when they only weigh 100lbs, but like most things in life- they grow out of their "cuteness" and become a real P.I.T.A when they are 1200+lbs.  Plus, my heart has become hardened over the years. My days of crying my eyes out when it came time to butcher Stew 1, begging and pleading how much I loved him- Are long gone.  Now I actually can't WAIT to ship them off when the time comes!

Anyway,

We don't de-horn our calves anymore. It just doesn't make sense to put them through the pain when they are only here for 15 months.  Their horns don't grow THAT big in such a short amount of time (only about 3" long).  But we of course DO castrate them.  Steers are retarded enough on their own accord, always trying to "mount" anything that moves- Having the added testosterone on them would make them even more a nightmare.

Our method of choice for castrating any male animal (besides horses & pigs- both require open castration) has always been the banding method. For those not familiar, "banding" is where you take a banding gun (it's not a "gun" it's more like a funky pliers), and a super strong little doughnut shaped rubber band (it looks just like a cheerio).  You place the rubber band on the banding gun, squeeze the handles, and the little cheerio spreads opens big enough (about 2" of opening) for you to place the testicles through. Once the testicles are through, you pull them (both testicles) down and place the rubber band up to where the scrotum meets the body. Gently pop the rubber band off the banding gun.. and PRESTO! Done!  Over time, the little bag of goodness loses circulation (like a rubber band on your finger), dries up, and falls off.


Simple right??


Not when you let the animal grow a bit first!  As they grow so does their... Er??.... "Nether parts".  And then when you finally remember that you still need to band the calves, you sit there scratching your head, bander in one hand, testicles in the other and wonder; HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FIT *THAT* THROUGH THIS SMALL HOLE??  Envision trying to stuff a lemon through the peep hole of your front door- and you will know how I felt! (slight exaggeration, but you get the gist!)


Did I mention I'm not a fan of the Bovine family??


AKA: I hate them.  To be Frank, I'm actually afraid of them. I do not like jumpy, large, stupid steers. I find them to be the dumbest animals on earth.  They are solely autonomic animals, seeming to lack any form of learning capabilities or reason. (great.. now I'm going to get blasted by every cow lover on the planet with THAT statement!)  Bovine also have the stealthy ability to kick you in every direction possible with their back feet too!


Have I mentioned *I've* never personally banded anything before??


So... There I was (nervous), bander in hand...My daughter holding the front half, while I was fondling the back end testing the waters (so to say) to see if it was going to kick me a good one.  With all systems a go, I grabbed them, gently slid them through, slid up the band, and popped it off the gun.  GOLDEN!  No kicking, no big production. The steer was oblivious to what just happened.  Calf number 2 went off without a hitch too. Cake!


Then I looked back at calf number 1 and I started to wonder if I should not have put the band up higher to the body.  As I was walking to grab another band, I kept thinking about the old game show "Press Your Luck".  I've made it through two times already without getting kicked, and now I want to re-band the first one and do it again??? On top of it, the element of surprise is now gone too.


*Spins wheel* No Whammies!! No Whammies!! No Whammies!!


As I'm repeating step one, I'm focusing harder than EVER on my job... Get it right this time, don't get kicked, be quick...   And then....

Ain't Karma A Bitch.

     


          

If the Devil walked the earth..."SWYPE" would be his name!

Let me start off: (for those of you that are not familiar with "Swype")

"Swype" is a texting software program mainly used on mobile Android operating devices that enables you to slide your finger over the letters to make a word instead of "Hen Pecking" out each individual letter on a virtual keyboard.  The goal of this feature is to (supposedly) make Texting a conversation quicker and easier.

Quicker? You Betcha!
You can smear out a word at lightening speed! It's an absolutely AMAZING feature when conversations are lengthy, or when you are in a hurry!

Easier? Yes!
When I turn OFF my "Swype" and Hen Peck each letter the "old fashioned" way, it seems to take forever to write even the simplest of sentences. Not to mention, with not having any physical keys on a virtual keyboard it makes "fat fingering" (hitting the wrong letter) a common problem for me.

Sooo.... Based on those two criteria I would have to say YES! "Swype" is a GREAT program! BUT (isn't there always a "But"??) here is where the problem rears its ugly head...

Accurate? NOT SO MUCH...
First, let me say that whomever created and wrote this software program has an even better sense of humor than even *I* do!  I can totally envision a group of Masterminds sitting around having quite a few "Get this!" "If they Swype THIS word it will write THIS instead" (followed by hysterical laughter) moments. But, in all honestly, as much as I seem to HATE Swype, I would LOVE to meet this software Genius just to shake his/her hand to say "Well played...Well played..."

The joke in my Social Circle is how if you Swype something simple like: "Hi! How are you today?" on the screen will appear something totally unrelated to what you have just Swyped like: "Hi! You have a great Vagina!"  Many times over have all of us sent each other WACKY texts on accident that damn near make you *blush*!

If it only had a Brain... (Suddenly I'm doing a Wizard of Oz jig at my computer)
You would think that in this day in age with our World's rapid advancement in software technology, that this program would have the capabilities to LEARN based on your personal Swyping patterns.  Sure, there are some fine-tuning program settings that you can adjust as to if you want it to be geared more towards speed or accuracy- but it still can't "learn" your Swyping style.  Heck! I would even settle for this software to be smart enough to recognize common sentences and phrases without plopping in the strangest dictionary word EVER into its place.

For instance, just Swyping the sentence: "I have a question" writes: "I have a quatrain"

REALLY??? WHAT THE F' IS A QUATRAIN??
(Granted, being the Geek I am, I now know that a "Quatrain" is a complete poem consisting of 4 lines of verse- Betcha Didn't know that! lol!)

But WHY would the word "Quatrain" be more common then the simple English word of "Question" is my question.

Here are just a couple other examples of "Swype Speak" (it's damn near its own language! lol!):

I Swyped: "Awwee, that makes me sad". It wrote: "Awwee, that baked me dad"
I Swyped: "I'm exhausted, I keep falling a sleep" It wrote: "I'm exhausted, keep falling sheep"

If you ever want a laugh go to this website: Damn You Auto Correct it's filled with public submissions like these (that are WAY funnier than my examples) Hmm... wish I got a kick back for promoting their website! lol!

Another thing I hate about Swype is that it seems to get a "hiccup" and will put in the same wrong word EVERY time you Swype that common word.  I have a few common words that I constantly use and I have to go back and correct it prior to hitting enter- Every fricken time!  Not quite sure how that happened. Sure, I may have used the other word once or twice- but REALLY?? NOT every time I make that Swype motion.  Yes, yes.. I *could* clear out my Swype's history, but then I would lose every word I had it "acknowledge" over time and would have to start all over. I wish you could be selective, and delete individual words instead of all of the history.

All in all, even though Swype is TRULY the Devil, it HAS provided the daily grind (we call life) with some rather unexpected humor.  Us, everyday users have come to terms with our "Swype Speak" and are getting rather good at deciphering its messed up language.

Now just don't get me started on Swype's Devilish partner in crime called "Speech to text"- that's a whole other Demon... It too is loaded with idiosyncrasies.  One day while using it, I basically told someone I wanted to "Hook up with their Facebook".  Grrr.....Not cool.... :)