Hello Insecure nice to meet you! Bye-Bye Sanity...

OK, outside of my quit smoking blog entry... I pretty much don't ever talk about anything on a very personal level. Most blog entries are trials and tribulations regarding my livestock.

But I have to write about this- because it is serious to me, and of course I have nobody else to talk to...And recognize this, I am a VERY opened minded person when it comes to relationships...Let's just say, most people do not share my open minded views (no, I'm not into weird swapping and all that jazz!)

SOOO.. here's the beginning:
It is a Saturday night. Earlier in the day, my girlfriend had asked me to go to a local bar with her. Even though it wasn't my bar of choice I decided to go to hang with my friend. My husband knew where and who I was going out with. He also said that he was going to go "find something to do" tonight.

We each got ready, and I left our house before him. It was almost 8:30 when I had left. I am not a big "going out" person and so we (girlfriend and I)went early, so that I didn't have to stay up till the crack of dawn!

after roughly half an hour after my arrival by my friend, I text my husband to see what his plans were for the night. He didn't tell me what/where/who his plans were with before I had left... He text back saying that he was going to go out to some campsite of his buddy's. No big deal... I then thought about it a little more and so I had asked him if he was coming back home tonight. Figuring camping, drinking with the guys, I wouldn't want him driving drunk. He didn't answer me. So I asked again (in not so many words) and he still continued to ignore my question.

Meanwhile, at the bar- I was having a good time. Chatting with my girlfriend... I had 2 beers and 2 shots at the time. Because of who I am, I was starting to get bored. I was also feeling kinda lonely, so I had started texting my husband. I would like it if he came out to where I was at, if he wanted. Because I had been drinking, and he had mentioned coming out by me, I asked him if he would give me a ride home, and I would leave my car there until morning. I'm not a big drinker- and I was already starting on Soda.

Another hour and a half had passed before he said he was on his way. No big deal, I thought perhaps he was having fun w/ his buddies. It's after midnight.
Here and there I kept texting him- funny things, not "naggy" things :)
And I noticed he wouldn't respond. When I finally asked whats up with that he said that he couldn't hear/feel his phone. No big deal...

Eventually he shows up at the bar... Here's the kicker.....

WITH SOME GAL. I was caught so off guard that I'm damn near speechless. I don't quite know what to say. I had been talking to him on and off most of the evening and never once did he mention being with her. Or bringing her.. But I do recognize this gal because I know that she's on his "Friends" list on Facebook, and that they message back and forth on there.

He introduces me to her, and proceeds to tell me that she is from North Carolina and that she is here for a funeral and that her car broke down - and so she CALLED HIM for help. I'm baffled. Why would my husband be the night in shining armor for his facebook "friend" from North Carolina??? Why wouldn't she call family?? Of course she's married, but a military wife, and he is always deployed. Oh look! Lonely housewife who has found refuge in my husband. How awesome is that??

So there they stand... I try to talk to the gal. I TRIED... But it was just making me REALLY uncomfortable. I just didn't know what to do- I'm clearly annoyed no matter how much I try to hide it. My girlfriend is looking at me clearly worried about my feelings- seeing that same scene that I am seeing before me.

I just didn't know what to do- No matter how much I wanted this to go away I can't turn around and talk to my girlfriend- that would be rude. But yet I couldn't act "sweet" on my husband, because that would make that gal feel uncomfortable. I didn't want to talk to her- just because I'm certain she can see the aggravation on my face.... So I did the only thing I felt I could calmly do:

In a rational, calm voice I said to him: Please take yourself, and her away from me. Please leave. You both are making me very uncomfortable. I will just take a taxi home. He of course insisted on telling me that nothing is going on (again, never mentioned he was w/ this gal...for hours...in any previous conversation. Not to mention, if the car REALLY did break down, and he was "helping her out" by giving her a ride to wherever she needed to go, why were they out for an evening on the town together??)

He told me that he would just give her his keys (aka: she take his vehicle) and he would stay with me and take mine. I'm by this time very frustrated- I've had one million bad scenarios rip through my head in less than 5 minutes- and I've instantly become super insecure (ok, I think I became super insecure the minute they walked in!- VERY UNLIKE ME) Anyway, I basically said "F" No! and thought why the hell would I want to continue this strangeness on day 2! So to get him and her to leave- I turned my back to them and entered my girlfriend's conversation until they had left a few seconds later.

I sat at the bar not quite sure what to do. Because my husband was coming to give me a ride, I had switched back to alcohol, and clearly not in a good position to drive myself home. So I sat there for a while longer. In the meantime my girlfriend kept asking me if I was OK. So I vented my frustration to her. Great, I've just become one of "those" types of people. I never tell my deepest feelings and suddenly, I'm in a bar- going off the deep end. Awesome. Bye-Bye Sanity...
(didn't cry though, THANK GOD! That would have been totally embarrassing!)

Again, I'm not a big "going out'er", or drinker. I wanted to go home but honestly- I didn't know how to call a cab! I felt so stupid... They all told me the number and what to say when they answered. Yeah me!! I did it!

While I was waiting for the cab to come (didn't know how I would know when they got there!) my girlfriend told me that it was OK to not be OK. I of course ignored that bit of info, and kept my chin held high, and tried not to let my eyes glass over from the tears that were just around the corner.

Sure, all of this may sound innocent- but there are too many things that just don't jive: Why did this strange facebook friend call him and not her family/friends? Are they better "friends" than I'm being led to believe? Why if he was rescuing her from her stranded vehicle, were they out together all night long? Why didn't he tell me he was with her? Why didn't he say he was coming out to me with "friend" in tow? How long have these two been "close" friends?? And why the hell don't I know about this??

My girlfriend made an excellent point. That if things were as innocent as they had seemed, he should have taken his "friend" home- and have come back to the bar to pick up his slightly intoxicated wife and take her home. But nope. He never came back. I did end up taking that cab home. I got home almost an hour after he had left the bar with her. He text me just as the cab pulled into our driveway to tell me that he was "Home now".

I paid the cab driver the $30.00 ($25.00 + $5.00 tip)that I owed him to take me home to B.F.E. Again, Awesome. I couldn't think of a better way to blow that money.

Here's the kicker... One of his cars are gone. So I called him, he answered in a very sleepy (like he had been sleeping for hours- not in the house for the past 5 minutes) voice (faker!!). I went inside and asked him where the car was (duh, like I couldn't figure out the answer??) He gave it to her to use. Again, super awesome.

Long story short- I have trust issues with my husband because has made bad choices regarding his "behavior" in the recent past. Just this last summer he was meeting a gal that he hooked up with through a singles dating line, in a park, all while telling me he was at work. I just happen to find out by looking at his text messages (THE VERY FIRST TIME I HAVE READ HIS PHONE TEXTS - lucky me)about hooking up again, and how they each had a good time. Of course he claimed that nothing happened.

Anyway, back to tonight: So I asked him the who/what/why of this gal, and as it turns out they text each other weekly. And that he was great friends with her his whole life (funny, we've been together 11 years and have never heard him mention her, and he hides texting her from me?)

All in all, my biggest issue has to do with being sneaky and deceitful: Not telling me about her in the past, his texting her continuously, his plan to get together with her tonight, not telling me he was spending his night out with her - when he first led me to believe he was going to a male buddy's cabin. I'm the type of person that believes if you don't have anything to hide (actions or feelings) you don't have anything to be hiding and to be sneaky about. Again, I'm open minded- it isn't the actions that alarm me- I wouldn't have issue of him having a woman friend, or texting a woman friend, or facebooking a woman friend- if it wasn't such a secret. I tell him anytime that i talk to a man, or text one, or i show him some of my funny conversations on FB. I'm not breaking any laws- and I'm not being sneaky and hiding anything- because there IS nothing to hide.

As my mind races, I wonder how this evening WOULD have went (again, my road to Hell is paved with the words "WOULD"a, "coulda" & "Shoulda") What if I didn't text him to convince him that I needed a ride home? Would he have ever told me about being with her all night? And remember, he never did answer my text about if he would be coming home tonight- Perhaps he was waiting to see how his night would go with her and then decide?

All in all, if he has never fessed up about his "best of friends" relationship with this gal, I whole heartily doubt he would have "done the right thing" during a night with her, without me. Remember... He never fessed up about the chick he was seeing behind my back before- only said he was "SO Sorry" when I caught him at it. I hate people that are only sorry about something when they have been CAUGHT!

And lastly, I'm going to swear here- Fucking Awesome! Now I get to deal with her having one of our cars... Yes, she has family here- she used to live her. Her kid was at a relatives while she was hanging with my husband. Lucky me.