One month ago today, I decided to take back control of my life. Control that I haven't had since I was 12 years old. One month ago today I quit smoking.
I had always hated smoking. I was a total Cigarette hypocrite stuck in an addicts body. I hated the way it made me look, I hated the way it made me smell, I hated the way people thought I was a "lessor" person in society because of the fact that I smoked. Whenever I went to a restaurant, I always sat in non-smoking. I couldn't stand hearing the people hack. Not to mention the constant smell of cigarettes.
Now don't get me wrong, I was a complete addict. I had a pack a day habit for way over 20 years. Everyday buying cigarettes. And if I was out?? Watch Out! Hell have no furry like a woman out of cigarettes!
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out my fate when the time comes. God will give me a big fat "I told you so".
As you had read, I started smoking when I was 12 years old. I had a girlfriend that smoked and she wanted me to smoke too. Yup, I gave into pure pressure. She was my age and smoked in front of her mom, her mom didn't care. Speaking of parents.... At that time both my parents smoked. They had first found out about my smoking when I was in 7th grade. When I got suspended from Jr. High (for a day) for being caught smoking in the bathroom. They were NOT happy. They were downright pissed off to put it bluntly! I'm surprised they didn't make me eat their ashtray right then and there. They urged me not to smoke. Told me how addictive it was. But did I listen??? Of course not. My second "offense" was when I got suspended (for another day) a week after the first suspension for smoking insight of the school. I spent a lot of time grounded for those two offenses.
I was 19 years old and visiting some relatives in Canada on Christmas, when my mother finally accepted the fact that I smoked. I was so embarrassed to do it front of her. I remember hiding behind the Christmas tree (it was fake) smoking out of sight from her.
Life went on and my nagging habit followed me where ever I went. The decisions I had made throughout my life, whether good decisions or bad- Smoking was my constant. Smoking helped reduce my stress, it helped me calm my nervousness, it helped kill boredom. And if I was mad, it even helped me hurt the people that loved me most. Sometimes I smoked only because I knew it bothered the people I was with. It was my silent way of telling them I didn't care about their opinions/feelings. I smoked when I was sad. I felt I deserved the hurt and deserved to die just that much sooner. I was self abusive, butchering myself with cigarettes... Not suicidal.
I had tried to quit smoking once when I was 17 years old. It lasted for a couple of weeks, until one night I got the shocking news that my parents were in a very serious car accident. My rampant emotions caused me to run right back to smoking again. Seriously quitting had not crossed my mind until just this past year. I had learned about a new product that came out called the Electronic Cigarette.
I thought for sure that would become my savior. It had the sensation of smoking, it gave you nicotine, and it didn't "burn" anything- eliminating the toxins that I inhaled with conventional smoking. These fancy new fangled things didn't come cheap- $100.00 later... Yeah, it didn't work. As badly as I wanted to convert- it just wasn't the same as lighting up the old fashioned way. I tried again to quit a few months ago, and I managed to make it a whopping 7 days before something "traumatic" in my life turned me right back to my trusty, always constant, cigarettes.
I had been thinking quite a bit about my life: past/present, my choices, and my addictions. I realize I am an addictive person. I get addicted to things easily. For instance, I like to crochet. Most people that like to crochet, make a thing or two and put it away. I will crochet everyday for months on end. I like to read. Most people will read a little here or a little there. I will read everything I can get my hands on and if I don't watch it, it will consume my life. I have been addicted to people. Always pining for my next "fix" of their attention. The good news is that I'm pretty self absorbed these days- so no worries there! All I can say is Thank Heaven's I don't like to drink!
After thinking about my life, and my habit- I decided that if I don't quit and quit for good. I will not see my daughter get married, or my son graduate from HS. A 20+ year pack a day habit doesn't come without a price. Not to mention from a vanity sense, I notice quite a few deep premature wrinkles I have on my face due to the poison I had been subjecting my body to. And call me self-centered, but I'm quite fond of my pretty face!
So.. one month ago, I got up in the morning- Smoked a cigarette... and said "enough was enough". And I have never looked back. It's strange to not smoke. It hasn't been easy, but yet it hasn't been hard either. It has its moments when it raises it's ugly head and beckons to me. But no matter how mad, sad, nervous, bored, happy, excited, frustrated, I may be at the time...
I refuse to give in.
The sick part is that neither of my two children have ever known me NOT to smoke. The four year old I can understand, but hearing the 16 year old say that- it really hits home. People ask me all the time now if I can smell / taste better? I can smell other people who smoke, I can smell smoke in houses people smoke in (as soon as I open the door!). As for taste- It's amazing all the crap I ate, that I now realize actually tastes like CRAP! I think to myself, why the Hell did I ever eat that?? -And like it??
I think my greatest wake up was when I realized I had lung capacity! I can take really deep breaths without coughing. I can hike up stairs without feeling short of breath!
With my new found freedom I had decided to do something positive with my time. I joined a gym. I'm very worried about the weight gain that is coming from quitting. I cannot afford to be any bigger! It has been proven that nicotine burns calories. And without it, and with my already lethargic state...
I figured the gym is one addiction that would actually be good for me!
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