Sex with the Lights on HOT

It's been a slow summer for me.  Slow summer = not very many experiences, = nothing of interest happening to write home about.  (You know I'm phishing for things to write about if I've resorted to writing stories about cleaning fish! With Illustration! lol!)

With that thought, I'm going to try something new.  

(YEAH for new Experiences!) 

I have a Facebook contest.  

The contest is:

 Name a topic people like to read about, the topic with the most votes will get me to write a blog story about "said" topic.

I've had some REALLY funny requests, but the topic that came up most often is...

SEX.

Oh Boy!!

(I'm SOOOoo Screwed!) 

Here's the thing, *I* am a Biographical, nonfiction writer.  Sure, I can take the most mundane subject and creatively write it to have depth and snark, but I'm not a fantasy writer.  I cannot sit down and write a fiction novel that has an actual story, with make believe, and people having conversations!

"Make Believe" is not my gig.

I am the type that can write 500 creative words for the word "Penis", and then write a factual description of its function, - but I'm not the type that can sit down and write a creative story about how that Penis went to the grocery store to buy some mushroom soup, and Kleenex for its nose, while having a conversation with a pickle about who has the better form.   

(See the difference?) 

SEX is a broad topic!

Choosing what exactly to write about is tough in itself! (And they don't want it PG!! WOW!)

Do I write about Love? Do I write about Lust? Fantasy? Experiences? Wants? 

Do I write hardcore down and dirty Porn that will make even my own Mother blush!?

And exactly just how detailed do I make this "story"? 

But as an added bit'o FUN, 

I'm going to somehow incorporate each "idea" from the contest that was mentioned.  

Now THAT will make it interesting!  I've had some crazy responses!  Those I will highlight throughout the story so people know where to find them.  

Sooooo,

With that, I will put on my creative thinking cap.  Try something new; FICTION!! (or is it???), crack open some wine, and have a fun time with this.  

Hang on tight, it's going to be a steamy ride... 

     

   

Learned Something New Today!

Earlier today my boy and I went shore fishing at a local boat landing.  

In the short amount of time we were there, nothing was biting for us.  Given the time of day, I wasn't surprised at all!  The best fishing occurs during their feeding times; early morning, and early evening, and we were fishing at high noon.  Right when the fish are hiding out in deeper water, staying clear of the warm water of the shallows.

A few fishing boats were already ending their day on the water, and as luck would have it, a couple of fisherman had asked us if we would be interested in the perch they had caught.  Those guys were used to catching perch by the bucket full, and they didn't want to deal with cleaning just a measly few of them.

I thanked them kindly, packed up our stuff and called it an afternoon, for we now had enough fish for a nice fish dinner.

After I got home I had to clean them (of course!).  

And since I haven't cleaned perch in many years I resorted back to my trusty friend, "YouTube", when I just happened to stumble upon a really great tutorial! 

Watch this AWESOME Perch Cleaning Video!   

(still wishing I got some kind of kick back for promoting videos I like!)

Unreal how QUICK and EASY that fish clean was!!

and so... For the very first time, I decided to give this method a try!

This is what I started with...

This one was HUGE! I wish *we* would have caught it! I bet it was fun!

This was my work space after I got done cleaning the fish (prior to clean-up) using the method from the video.  I couldn't get over how little mess there was! 

The fillets turned out beautiful! (this was that "big one" my boy is holding)

This was my only "mess".  The empty fish carcasses in a 5 gal pail. 

Sure, I couldn't do it in 10 seconds like the video promotes... But with SHARP knives (did you see how many knives I had to use!!) and PRACTICE I bet I could come close! (yeah right!) LOL! 

I'm just thrilled to have learned such a valuable new skill! 

          

"Safety Nazi" is planning her first Vacation!

I never quite realized how anal retentive I am until now that I have decided to go on a REAL vacation this summer.

Sure, I've been to a few places before... Vancouver Canada, New Orleans, Chicago.. but those have either been for family, business, or a quick overnight trip.  Due to my lifestyle, and finances I've never had the opportunity to say "WTheck! I'm going to travel!" -until now!

GOAL:

Choose a destination.

Sounds simple enough right??

Yeah right...

First off, I have to say that it was really cool that I had all kinds of offers from friends and family, offering to stay with them.  But I did have a couple of criteria; I didn't want to burden anyone, I wanted to be a geeky tourist and see the sights, and I wanted to stay within the US.  On that note, the sky was the limit!

Unfortunate for me, due to my "Freakish Nature" (I really can't come up with a better term!)  it was extremely hard for me to choose a destination.  Each time I *thought* that I had a destination something about it eliminated it off the list.

The strangest thing was happening, I suddenly found myself becoming Ben Stiller in the movie
"Along Came Polly".  

I started to risk analysis EVERYTHING!   

As an example;

Wyoming was a top contender.  Seeing the Yellowstone National Park would be awe inspiring!  The Geysers, the Hot Springs, the Mud pits..Camping in the park... Who wouldn't enjoy that??
What killed the Wyoming trip for me besides expense (It's grossly expensive to fly from here to near the park, and would be an extremely boring 20 hour drive.) was the WILDLIFE.  

Cougars and Bears and Wolves.. Oh My!  

Yep, predatory animals killed it for me.
Did I mention that "Not being eaten by the local wildlife" was one of my top criteria for this trip??  Hiking down a desolate trail being stalked by a mountain lion does not make my top 10 list of things to do in my lifetime!  With that irrational logic, Wyoming was out.

Another contender was Isle Royale National Park.  

Isle Royale is a remote Island located in the Great Lakes (adjacent to Superior MI) that offers camping, hiking, canoeing, and kayaking. It is non motorized (can't even bicycle!) and has limited trips to/from the island.  The island views are breathtaking!  I love to be outdoors and thought this trip would surely be the "one".  

But.... This trip got squashed too.  

Why you ask?? (Sigh...here we go again!) The Wildlife.  (now I'm feeling embarrassed! lol!) BUT!!! I do have some data to back up my feeling on this; According to 2012 studies, the Island contains 9 wolves (2 packs and 1 loner) and almost 800 moose.  Did you know that according to statistics, over 10,000 people get injured by moose each year??  I would say that my odds of being one of those statistics greatly goes up being in such a moose concentrated area.
Oh! And becoming "dog food" doesn't sound like a fun vacation either.    

Next was a trip to DC.

Go see the Washington Monument, check out the capital, the Smithsonian, (would have loved the Smithsonian!), etc., etc.

But...
(Isn't there always!)

Even though Homicides are at an all time low in DC, there has been a huge spike in Violent crimes.  Already up 69% from last year to be exact!  Given that I'm a lover and not a fighter (I always wanted to say that!) I would be relatively helpless in that type of situation.  And personally, I value my property and my person.

It's funny that somehow out of nowhere I've become a complete "Nelly".  I think being Naive makes you more of a risk taker.  Hence: Why you do things at 19 that you wouldn't even dream of doing at 30.

I can't say that I haven't done my share of risky things.  As a matter of fact, I have an entire list of risky (stupid) things!  Perhaps now I just have more at steak in my life.  I have children and things that need me.  Or perhaps it's simply just my way of narrowing down the entire US map to figure out where to go.

And so my destination search continued...

I thought that a cruise might be the way to go.  I looked at all sorts of cruise lines, and packages.  Even though the prices were decent, having never done it before, I wasn't sure what else you had to pay for (hidden fees, flight to the ship departure) besides what I saw in front of me.  I looked at the shore stops they made, and realized you had a very limited time at those stops.  I figured 7am-1pm just wasn't enough time to get a true feel for that destination.  By the time I was having fun, I would have to re board!  And what if I dumb assed it and missed the boat?? Then what??

Speaking of boat... I think I would get bored after awhile on a cruise ship.  You can only do so much eating, shopping, and lounging in the same spot before it gets old.  It would be like going to a "reverse" Fat Camp, and that wouldn't be doing me any favors! Plus, I do get motion sickness pretty bad... I guess I could add puking my guts out to my list of cruising activities, but as a bonus it would keep the weight gain at bay!
(Cruise ships were definitely out!)  

I knew one thing for sure, I wanted to play in the Ocean!
Being a Midwesterner, I have never been in the ocean.  A few years back I came close once in Vancouver with the Pacific, I stood on a small rock and had my picture taken.  But I have never even done as much as dip a toe in one, let alone actually SWIM in one.  I'm dying to see what it's like to have salt water in my eyes, and on my skin!  I want to experience tides, and explore in the tide pools and look at all the creepy crawlies.

It's never the big things in life that I remember as much as it is the little things.
Like the first time I went to New Orleans.  I was 18 years old and I went with my (at the time) boyfriend.  We took public transportation everywhere we went.  Sure I remember the French Quarters, and the Zoo, but what do I remember most??
While sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus, I was in total shock and awe at the cockroaches in the gutter by my feet.  They were the biggest bugs I have ever seen!  Some of them at least 4" long!  I spent my entire wait gazing at them!  (Granted, nobody else shared my enthusiasm over the roaches.)

When I was 19 I camped in the mountains with my family in Vancouver.  Yeah I can remember some of that trip, but what do I remember most about that trip?
Slugs. GIANT slugs!  12" long slugs...and they were everywhere!  I'll be frank, they looked like mobile pieces of poop! They were huge, and everywhere!  On the grass, in the outhouses...
I had the best time watching the slugs!  I even found out the hard way that slug slime is impossible to get off of hands!

Meanwhile, back to trip choosing... (sorry, I train de railed again!)

One afternoon while sitting at my computer, I saw an ad online for Virginia Beach, Virginia.  I thought about all of the things that I was looking for: Ocean, beach, sea life, and the outdoors, and realized that it met all of the criteria!

To finalize my decision, I looked up the crime rate.  I learned that it was a *relatively* safe place to visit.  Being on the Atlantic Ocean, I knew that it would be warmer than the Pacific - another score!  I checked NOAA to find out the weather (I wouldn't want to go with a major Hurricane looming in the forecast!).

I even checked my favorite website produced by the Florida Museum of Natural History; The International Shark Attack File . I have been following that site for years and absolutely LOVE it!  It's comprised of data and statistics about shark attacks from all over the world.  It tells you the date, time, location, what the individual was doing in the water (sport, and even depth!), what they were wearing (even down to colors!), male/female, age, location of bite/bump, type of shark, and if it was a fatality.  For instance, I can tell you that the USA has had a total of 1,022 attacks reported to the Ichthyology department, 36 of them were fatalities, and the last reported fatality was in 2012.  Florida was scratched off my destination list based on facts; That state has the highest shark attack rate in all of the USA! 663 total attacks, with 11 fatalities.
If the sharks don't get you in Florida, the damn alligators will! LOL! *joke*

Anyway, I checked the file and Virginia Beach was *relatively* shark safe! Another WIN!

Shark safe yes!  Jellyfish safe? - Not so much...
This time of year is Jelly fish season in Virginia.  I've been tracking the sea nettle jellyfish migration on NOAA Chesapeake Bay Sea Nettle Forecast website.  Almost all of Chesapeake bay is covered in them.
Packed the first aid kit with Jellyfish sting "stuff".
Happy Happy Joy Joy...  

Even though I don't really have a whole lot "planned" out to do (come on, I'm not THAT anal!) while in Virginia, I'm really excited about going!  Did I mention that I thought about going paddle boarding?  But based on my coordination (or lack of! lol!), I *know* that I would fall off.  Generally not a big deal, but I would FREAK OUT (x's infinity!) falling into murky, brackish, bull shark, and jelly infested water!
(I think I'm going to stick to Kayaking!)  In the meantime, I'll be much more content sitting in the shallows sifting for shark teeth, and crab fishing off a dock.

 What I'm NOT excited about is the almost 20 hour DRIVE it will take to get there!  I've never rode in a car for longer than 8 hours before (an off the cuff trip to Sandusky, Ohio to Cedar Point roller coaster park back when I was young and fun!) and those 8 hours were HELL ON EARTH.

Sooo.. If I don't die in a fiery crash, peril off the edge of a mountain road, get eaten by sharks, get swept out to sea by an undertow... I should have an AMAZING time!

Did I mention that on my way home, I'm stopping in Kentucky to stay with friends for a couple of days??
Very excited!!
Did I mention that they said they have quite a few Brown Recluse Spiders in their house?
Did I mention that they have a really bad wasp/hornet problem?
Did I mention that they said they have Black Widow Spiders?
Did I mention that they have rattlesnakes by their house?

Did I mention that their nearest Hospital is **40** minutes away??

BRING ON THE ADVENTURE...  

    




 

           

       

  

  

You Gotta Win It To Swim It!

I lap swim.

I LOVE to swim.

Swimming laps in a pool is BORING!

I was at work one day talking to a customer of mine about how boring my lap swimming is.  All I do is stare blankly at the black line on the bottom of the pool, sing to myself inside my head, and play "I Spy" with the random garbage I see on the pool floor (like Band Aids!).  And if I'm REALLY bored, I glance at the shoes of the people doing water aerobics.  

And then she told me...

They make a WATERPROOF MP3 Player.

REALLY????

I never knew there was such a Demon!

After work that day, I went home and looked on the net to find out what on earth she was talking about.  Sure enough, (I must have been living in a bubble) there they were!

You can buy a brand new, fully waterproofed, Apple IPod Shuffle for (get this!) $150.00!!

$150.00?? 

That's Insane.

A new, non H20 proof one runs roughly $40.00.

...And then my ever restless mind began to think.

How is it waterproofed?

Why DO electronics quit working when they hit the water?

Can I do this myself?

I spent hours searching the Internet for the answers to my questions.  I scoured the websites of the companies that offer these, I have read forums of people with the same questions as me, and forums from RC Car racers that needed H20 parts for their cars.  I also watched videos of people that have tried doing this themselves.  I figured that since I have an old 2 gig IPod Shuffle kicking around, that I wanted to try and waterproof this myself.

Below are the steps to what I did.

  

Most of what I had read about doing this yourself said to use Dielectric grease.  Dielectric grease is primarily used in the Automotive world on spark plugs/boots.  It is meant to protect electrical connections, and ignition parts and wiring from moisture and corrosion.  

From what I had learned from reading the DIY'ers attempts, they had been injecting DG directly into the headphone jack of the IPod.  And so that's where I began... 

I immediately learned that this grease is VERY thick and wasn't going that far down into the IPod.  Not knowing much at the time about this grease, I decided to try a different approach.  Heat.  I decided to place the IPod in a sealed bag, and place it in a glass of almost boiling water.  (Doing the same with the tube of DG.)  My thought process was that it being a "grease", I should be able to heat it up and melt it into the space I'm trying to get it in.  It didn't work.  It wasn't budging.  I heated it, I jiggled it, I repeated.  FAIL.

Suddenly, I had a new question brewing: What is the melting point of Dielectric Grease?  

The answer: It stays consistent even at temperatures over 400*!
So much for THAT idea.  I wasn't going to be able to heat water to that temperature easily, and I wasn't sure what would happen to the actual electronic if I got it that hot!

(IPod in a Plastic baggy, in a cup of hot water)

Because of this roadblock, I tried a different approach... I decided to take off the plastic fascia.  My thought was to use a syringe and inject it further into the casing.  Again, no luck.  With this grease being too thick (couldn't suck it up with a syringe), and the injection space being too limited, this too wasn't working.  Nothing worked. 

My only other option was to completely disassemble it.

With the help of a lovely step by step YouTube video, I was able to take it completely apart. 

I had to remove 4 of the world's tiniest screws (salt granules are bigger than these screws!!) 

Knowing that I didn't have a screw driver that small, I used a piece of sandpaper to file the tip of a steak knife into a thin, blunt point.  

(A sewing needle... A steak knife... A piece of sandpaper... Why YES, I AM the female MacGyver! LOL!)

Once opened, I learned that all of the time spent injecting DG through the Headphone jack was a complete waste of time.  Inside the IPod, the jack is close ended.  Meaning, the grease had nowhere to go!!

You can clearly see by the photo above, that the actual board of the IPod barely has any grease on it.  Definitely NOT waterproof.  The other side, which house the actual jack and the battery was completely grease free. 

Since I had it apart, I used a Q-Tip to completely "Goo" up the connections with DG.  I had it caked with grease before re-assembling it.  In theory, I knew that this would work.  The Dielectric Grease will protect the circuitry from causing a short, and with DG being impermeable to water... WINNING!

Re-assembly was a bit tricky.  

I cannot say it went "smoothly".  I actually busted off a small piece of black plastic while gently stuffing it back into the housing.  I was devastated!  I had already invested an hour into my project, and thought for sure I had broke it just by putting it all back together again.  I was bummed...

But I inspected the piece of plastic and came to the conclusion that it could have only been one thing.  A piece of plastic to act as a shock absorber (you can see the black plastic "thingy" (technical term!) on the corner of the board in picture #4).  

Once fully back together again I powered it on.  I was ecstatic to learn that it fired right up!

(Tearing stuff apart is the EASY part, putting things back together, and having them WORK - not so much!)

I was confident that this H20 proofing would work,

and so..... 

Click for Cheesy Video of Water Test :)

Mission Accomplished. 

(Total cost of project: $2.95)

SCORE!


***UPDATE***
(4/4/2013)
So far, I've taken the shuffle on 2 swims.  Each time swimming over a mile.  I've surface swam with it, and have dove under water with it.  I attach the shuffle onto my swim goggles, and it remains in place.  I am able to operate all of its functions while swimming.  I have even accidentally ripped the headphones out of the jack and have had to reinsert them. - All without issue. It does appear to get water inside of it (I can see tiny water droplets coming out from the housing seams), but so far- it hasn't been an issue.

As for sound quality...
I am currently using a cheap ($11.95 - Amazon.com) pair of Pyle H20 headphones.  They are the long corded ones.  I have the majority of the cord neatly twist tied onto my goggles, leaving just enough slack for the ear buds to reach my ears.  Not the prettiest set-up, but it works.  The sound quality is marginal.  I've found that the more water you get in your ears the worse, and more muffled the sound gets.  I'm sure that's just a learning curve with the headphone's earbuds.  They did come with 4 different sizes, and I'm on my second size looking for the best fit.

I have yet to do any flip turns with the shuffle.  I am pretty certain the earbuds will fly out of my ears- creating just another distraction to take my attention away from my workout.      

***UPDATE***
(12/3/2013)
Still water proof!
I've actually been kind of abusive with this Ipod.
I've left it sit in my car season after season, from extreme heat through extreme freezes.  I just recently started swimming more regularly again, and it's still working perfectly under H20!  I've even done flip turns, and the ear buds do stay in!  I'm very pleased that for a whoppin $2.95 I have a pefect little H20 proof Shuffle!    

  

  

  

Tick...Tick...Tick...... NO BOOM.

Survived yet another predicted Apocalyptic event!
Hmm... How many does that make now?
I'm getting pretty good at this! (lol!)

Either way, I'm glad that we are all still here!  Because if we weren't, life just wouldn't be all that interesting...(yup, I got jokes.)

2012 ended pretty catastrophically for me, and frankly, I'm beyond GLAD to see it go.

My year (in a nutshell) went something like this:
Hold down couch.
Get bright idea to become more active.
Join gym.
Started racing.
More racing.
Still more racing.
Having a BLAST racing.
Lost 50 lbs of me because of racing.
Do big race in October.
Hurt feet.
Do a race 2 weeks later.
Destroy feet.
Do World Run Day in November.
Walk and cry through the entire thing because of destroyed feet.
STOP RACING because I can barely walk.
Mentally crushed.
Waitress on my feet 5 days a week.
Curl up in a ball and cry in pain after every shift because of feet.
Repeat the above 2 for almost 3 months.
Intake more Ibuprofen than food.
Stop all working out.
Sit in pain on self pity pot.
Hold down couch.
Dream of a pain free day.
Watch my (scale) weight drop because of muscle loss.
Eat like crap.
Watch my ass grow.
Get into month awaited Dr. appoint.
X Rays showed 3 heel spurs.
Pray Cortisone injection would be my Knight in shining armor.
Consider blog entry titled: Plantar Fascii-Fuck This!
Stress because 2012 is ending, new race season starting.
Worry about how all of this will effect my upcoming race season...

Happy New Year.

It's amazing how when something bothers you, it consumes you.  It's all you can think about.  My whole ordeal reminds me of a stop cigarette smoking commercial I once saw; The scene was of a man standing at the end of a long pier, while over looking the ocean.  As he was standing there, a shark jumped out of the water, and was chewing on his arm.  The scene showed his thousand mile blank stare out into the sea, with him repeating "Cigarette", "Cigarette, "Cigarette" over and over. He was consumed by his thoughts, all while oblivious to the rather large predator gnawing off his limb.  The commercial ended with him popping the smoking cessation product into his mouth, which immediately changed his thought process from cigarettes to "SHARK!!" "SHARK!!" "SHARK!!"

My "Shark" is my Plantar Fasciitis, my newly acquired inactivity (outside of work), and a mountain of unhealthy choices -Like CHOCOLATE! :) ....so good, but yet SOOOOO wrong!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days into the new year, somehow by the grace of God my feet started to feel noticeably better. I had noticed that I wasn't walking around on my tip-toes as much as I had been. I even noticed that I wasn't having to pound down Ibuprofen like it was candy to get through a shift at work. My feet weren't perfect, and my days weren't completely pain free, but I started to think that just *maybe* this was the end of this HELL I've been living in

I was feeling good and I wanted to give my feet a test try.  But because of my past experience I was terrified!!  The last time they had felt good (a month or so ago) I went back to my kickboxing exercise class, only to spend the time doing bounce on my foot cardio and I ended up destroying them all over again.

But I just HAD to try...
With that thought, 3 days ago I uncluttered and dusted off my treadmill  And I promised myself that if I felt the littlest bit of tearing or burning that I would stop.

I was able to go a whole 3.1 miles without any pain!!

I was so elated that I could have sat down and cried tears of joy!
Just to be safe, when I was done, I immediately stretched like I've never stretched before, downed some Ibuprofen and iced both feet.  It's like I was waiting for the aftermath of inflammation and pain -having to pay for what I had just done.  But fortunate for me, it never came!

The following day I wanted to try it again...
Back onto the treadmill I went to pound out another 3.1 miles.  I concentrated on foot strike, body posture, and breathing.  Miraculously I had the same outcome, no pain in my feet!

I can't say the same for the REST of my body though!!
With almost 3 months of holding down the couch, it has really taken a toll on my body and my abilities.  My legs are easily tired, my heart rate sky rockets, and my core is weak.  Not to mention my skin bounced around like I was JellO with eyes.  One of my greatest hates in life is eating sea slug, something I commonly call "Sand JellO" .. But now, I have a new second hate in life... Skin JellO!!
Ugh., What a sloppy mess my body is!

My body confuses me right now.
Overall, I'm elated with my progress!  Since this time last year I have lost a total of 55 lbs.  I've shrunk down almost 4 shirt sizes, and have gone down over 4 pants sizes. I've gone from a 42" waist to a 31"-32" waist.  My clothes that I could not wear before (because I was too big to fit them), are now too big on me.

So what's my problem you ask??
I feel as if I look the same as I did before I started all of this!!  I look in the mirror and I see every imperfection imaginable.  I can't figure out where *I* am buried in this "Edgar Suit" (Men In Black- LOVE that movie!) I'm wearing. What is "me", what is fat, and what is excess skin is confusing me.  And to top it off, unfortunately I just recently learned that it can take TWO years for your skin to catch up (shrink) with your current weight.  And if that's not bad enough, AGE (barf!), and lifestyle choices -What you stick in your food trap (aka: MOUTH) make a difference too....

Great, I'm sooo... screwed.
lol!
 
To fix my goofy way of thinking about my body, me and my "Flabby Flying Squirrel Suit" are taking a different approach to this year when it comes to body image.  Because of this year's race schedule, I know I'm not going to sit at this weight.  But to better help me clearly see the future difference, I had my daughter take pictures of me from the front, the side, and from the rear, wearing nothing but my sports bra and underwear.

GULP!!

I am also going to measure myself. That way I can keep more factual track of my progress- forgoing the common gym scale -which technically tells me NOTHING.  I'll compare photo's and notes at the end of this upcoming race season!

Honestly, I don't care if I lived the rest of my life at my present weight, -as long as it was muscle and not flab -I'm GOOD!  No matter how you "cut the fat", I want to be FIT and STRONG.  I never want to be stick thin.  I will never go below 160 lbs. Because of my height, anything below that makes me look gaunt, and starved.  Plus I have a love/hate relationship with my "fat" - Because I'm... Oh Crap, here it comes... OLD. (ouch, that hurt!)
I need it in my face as a plumper to look youthful, but NOT on my ass!!  I wish my fat cells would get their shit together and go where they are told :)

----------------------------------------------------

Speaking of Racing...
I am super EXCITED, (but yet I'm super SCARED) about this upcoming 2013 race year!!!!!!

I am really excited because I'm already registered for the 3 out of the 4 Triathlons that I will be doing.  I'm already committed to 1 Duathlon, and I am planning on doing all of the 5k's that I did this past year.  Plus, I really loved last year's Mud run- and would like to do another one or two.

I'm terrified because of my feet...
I'm worried that with my PF history, (high arches make me prone to PF) that one wrong move and it will be game over for me.  As an example, two of my Triathlons are back to back weekends in June. That's going to be tough to recover my feet in that short of a time frame. I'm even worried that my feet won't recover enough from my current position to even do my first race of the season.


**GROANS**...
I am just chomping at the bit here!!
ALL I WANT TO DO IS RACE!!

The irony of all of this is how much I had always HATED running... But take it away, and funny how suddenly that's ALL you want to do!
Just watch, if my feet heal/hold up- I will have my best running times EVER this season :)



   



       















    

Monster THIS!

I have not one, but TWO amazing children...

My "Small Fry" has a heart of Gold. He's polite, gentle and caring.  He always uses his manners and isn't a daredevil.  He's never been mean to anyone- ever!   

My big kid, well.... ??? What can I say?  For better or for worse, she's a carbon copy of me.  She's wise, she's bold, she isn't grossed out by much of anything, she isn't afraid to try new things, she knows when to have a good laugh, and knows when to reel it in.

Because we are so much alike, it creates for some "interesting" situations...

*I* have a "thing" about Spiders.

I have NEVER been a fan of them.

When I was 5, my parents had a pet tarantula.  Funny, I don't remember anything about being that young EXCEPT for that damn spider! I didn't like it! It was big, and hairy, and scary looking!  I remember that my babysitter would always poke at it with a piece of the aquarium lid while it was in the aquarium.  She didn't like it either.

  I must confess, I've actually killed a tarantula!

When I was 16, I worked at a local pet store that sold tarantulas.  One day while at work, I was trying to "show off" how brave I was to a customer by letting this $40.00 tarantula walk around on my arm.  For some reason, (it must have sensed my absolute terror!!) it started to bounce up and down (in place) really fast on my arm.  Unfortunately for it, my instant natural reaction was to fling it off my arm!  It hit the floor at lightening speed- putting an instant end to its life.  I never let one of those creepy buggers touch me again!

My fear of spiders runs deep!

While growing up in an old house it wasn't uncommon to have a spider in my bedroom.  I could never bring myself to squish them because: 1. I didn't want to touch them, 2. I couldn't handle listening to its body crack into pieces. So I would do the next best thing... Coat them with anything aerosol that I could get my hands on, and hope that it would be enough to kill them.  If that didn't work, I'd fry them with my Bic lighter!

Yes, I am the girl who would flip my car over a spider!!

When I was in my late teens I was the driver on a blind date one night.  While driving, a spider dropped down from my visor headed towards my lap.  Luckily, my date saved me from that menace before it touched me.  I have no memory of that "date"- again, only the damn spider!

When my daughter was a baby, I was a stay at home mom.  I was sitting on the living room floor playing with her when I looked up and saw a HUGE "wolf" spider on our living room curtain!  That one was a MONSTER! It measured over 3 inches from tip to tip!  How did I get rid of it??? I called my husband home from WORK to save us. (Unreal huh?? lol!)

Ok, I think you get the point of my Arachnophobia, back to my story!

One lazy afternoon last summer, while laying in my bed, I suddenly smelled a very foreign scent. It was such an "odd" scent that I cannot even begin to describe it.  I sat up to search for the source only to realize that on my pillow next to where my head just laid was a brown marmorated "stink bug".  These bugs are rather large, measuring almost 2 inches in size. They resemble a common box elder beetle (just bigger!) and are harmless.  

So I decided to play a little "Joke" on my daughter...

I grabbed the stink bug with my hand, and headed to my daughter's bedroom.

She was lying on the top of her loft bed listening to her music.  I got her attention, and then... wait for it....

I threw the bug at her.

  

It took her a moment to realize what the Hell just happened, but when she saw this huge bug on her it was like watching a cat on a hot tin roof!  I don't think I've EVER heard her screech so loud or move so fast!

I of course was laughing so hard I just about passed out!

Just the other day while taking a shower I suddenly noticed that I wasn't alone.  I was sharing my shower with the largest, blackest, jumping spider that I have ever seen! It was sitting right on the door hinge watching me!  I was really on edge. I wanted nothing more than to be anywhere but in that shower!!! 

Then my daughter just happened to come into the bathroom, so I told her about my "Pal"...  

And what does she do???

She opens the shower door causing this lil bugger of death to drop down onto the small shower floor where I was standing!!!! 

I FREAKKKKED!!!

(I came completely uncorked!)

If I could have scaled the shower walls I would have!  

(Ok, I did become one with the side of the shower!)

And there sat my daughter... doubled over laughing hysterically, reminding me of that "one time" with the stink bug.. and she muttered something about KARMA as she left the bathroom.

       

         

    

"Barnyard Style!"

Go ahead, ask me... "Kill anything today?" 

Why Yes, yes I did!

And that leads me to my disclaimer: If you are feint at heart, stop reading here.

Being an only child growing up in a "firearms family" has taught me how to shoot from the time that I was knee high to a grasshopper, well into early adulthood.  I grew up hunting.  If I wasn't old enough to legally hunt, I was still brought along.  My parents even have stories of bear hunting, while dragging me along in the infant carrier!  I was like a typical boy growing up (funny, cause I'm obviously NOT a boy!), occasionally receiving guns as Holiday gifts.  I deer hunted with my family each year until I reached my early twenties. After that, I got tired of being cold, found the sport to be boring, and hated venison.  I never went hunting again...

The best part about farming is that you don't have to sit out in the freezing cold playing the waiting game in order to stock your freezer with meat. AND as a *bonus*, you don't have to eat venison!

Today, I learned a new skill! 

Today I learned how to slaughter a meat goat.

(Funny, because I had originally started out the day by doing a more female orientated domestic duty... laundry!)

Once I had decided that today would be the day, I started to collect the items that I would need:  Rope, to hang the goat carcass from a tree. Butchering knives; to slit the throat, eviscerate, and skin.  Rubber gloves to not get my hands full of "ick".  The 22cal. rifle, to do the "deed".  The book on basic livestock butchering (because I had never done this before!). And a piece of string, to tie off the bung hole.

All of the items were easy enough to find, except for the dang piece of string!!!
I could not come up with a simple 6" length of string. The irony is that all of my crochet yarn is in town at the apartment, and not here on the farm.  I thought about using fishing line, but then figured that it would just slice through what I was trying to tie off.  I thought about using a length of baler twine, but I thought because of its thickness, that I couldn't tie it tight enough to close.  I even looked for a shoelace, no luck.  I finally found my answer by taking a string from the strangest place- I took it off of a brand new Sheep Vaginal Prolapse Spoon (a plastic device used to keep the girly parts of a sheep inside where they are supposed to be while in late gestation).  We always kept a bunch on hand in case of need, and without any sheep left here on the farm-
Wahla! Found my string!!

I would be lying if I didn't say that I wasn't nervous about doing all of this.  Even though I grew up hunting, I never had to field dress my own deer. I was always the "leg holder" for my grandpa while he made efficient work of the job.

While drinking my morning coffee, I read and re read the areas of interest in the livestock butchering book.  (Aka: I was stalling! lol!)

Once I got my nerve, I gathered my gun, the goat's breakfast and off I went.  I knew that I wanted this to be as humane, and as quick as possible.  I didn't want the goat in any distress.  Distress causes an adrenaline dump into all of the muscles, creating stiffer meat.  When I got to the goat pen, the goat I was after was standing with his front legs on the cattle panel looking at me waiting to eat. I grabbed my gun and was going to do a point blank shot to the skull (draw an imaginary "X" between the ears and the eyes, meeting in the middle of the forehead- that's where you want to shoot), but I couldn't because I ran into one small problem...

He wanted nothing more than to lick the end of the barrel.

Now I know you are thinking "Awwwwe how sweet! How could you?" But don't. He wasn't a pet, he was a meat animal since birth. He was never gentled. I provided for him, he provides for me- Those are the rules. Besides, if I would have taken one step closer to him he would have run off like a marsh hare!

I stood there, drawn down on him for awhile waiting for the moment when he would finally put his head down, but it never came.  I knew this wasn't going to be THAT easy, so I grained the goats and waited for him to eat. While I waited I encountered another snafu, the other goats were eating nose to nose with him. Why yes, I had planned on putting the barrel on his head and pulling the trigger- but I didn't want to deafen the 3 other goats next to him.

Let me just stop here a second and say that in a perfect world I would have not had the other 3 goats present.  I personally think having them see what's happening is cruel.  But if I would have isolated the other 3, it would have made this goat really worked up, risking a bad shot because of him being so on the move and frantic.

Back to story... Luckily for me, he was a food hog and shoved the other goats out of the way.  And so I waited for the right moment.  After the shot. I gave it a few moments for him to do his thing. After which I grabbed his hind legs and dragged him out of the pen and into the backyard where I could slit his throat and drain him using a small hill to my gravitational advantage.

While I was waiting for him to finish draining I grabbed the book to follow the diagram on what to do next.  I read that I was to take the front feet off just above the ankle bone.  Having never done this before I learned really quick that this thing is more durable than I ever thought!  I guess I was expecting to take my boning knife, and after working my way around the joint, to be able to snap it off like on a chicken.  I expected WRONG!  After a couple of attempts I gave up on objective #1, deciding to leave the feet on, and moving onto the next task.

The next step was to peel the skin back from the front legs all the way to the shoulder.  I had to make an incision down the length of the inside of the leg.  OMG! What was this goat made out of? Steel??  Getting through the hide was tougher than I thought.  And I'm sorry to say it, but my definition of "Peel" is to like peel a banana.  I had one hand on the leg, and one hand on the skin while I tried to "peel" it back. I learned immediately that you cannot peel a goat like a banana.  You can't just pull the skin off!!!  SO I let that one go for now while I moved onto the next objective...

(I'm starting to realize that I'm NOT very good at all of this! LOL)

The next task on hand was to tie off the bung hole.
Um excuse me?? You want me to not only "touch", but  to also "cut loose" the anus?
You have got to be kidding me!
But I did it! I cut around the anus and pulled it out, so that I could tie a string around it to keep the poo from coming out and tainting the meat.

REALLY???
Out of the 3 objectives the only thing I had successfully managed thus far was tying off its asshole??

My next mission was to finish dragging it up the hill, through the backyard, to my rope over the tree branch. After I tied the hind feet to the rope I was starting to feel pretty good about everything.

Until I hit yet ANOTHER road block.

 I could not hoist the goat off the ground by the rope!!
I pulled, and pulled on that rope!  I wrapped the rope around the base of the tree to help me with pulling.  But I could not get more than a few inches of hoist.  (Pretty much the only thing I could do was get it in a vertical position) Crap!  Now what?? I NEVER thought that I wouldn't be able to hoist it up the tree all by myself!  Not that I think I'm THAT strong, it just never crossed my mind!  So I took a minute to think about how to problem solve this situation...  Then it hit me!  Use the 4 wheeler!! I had it all planned out, I was going to tie the rope onto the 4 wheeler and use that to hoist the goat off the ground to hang.  Genius!  WRONG! The 4 wheeler wouldn't start!  Ok, next plan... Use the riding lawn mower!  Again Genius!!  The rider took quite a bit to initially start in this cold weather.  Plus it hasn't been run in months.  But once I got it started I drove it down to where I was working, tied on the rope and drove it forward.

FAIL.
The rider couldn't hoist it either!
Once the slack was out of the rope, the rider's wheels spun in place.
Darn.

I realized that I needed to lighten the load.
Here we go... I decided to dress it.
Lucky for me and my curiosity, I have opened up plenty of animals over the years searching for the cause of death.  So this part was pretty easy for me!  While "gutting" it, I couldn't help but think that I should go into the house and grab a scalpel (my cutting tool of choice!) to make quicker work of it!  I was pretty proud of my dressing job!  I didn't puncture the stomach, intestines, or bladder.  And the rectum came out easy because of the earlier incision and string!  The only thing that I had wished for was a kid to now hold the leg for me!! Once the guts were out, I removed the head with a butcher's hand saw.

After I lightened the load, I tried hoisting it yet again by hand. I could kinda lift the bugger, but I couldn't hold the goat up, pull the slack out of the rope, and tie it off all at the same time.  Back to the lawn mower I went!  Because of there being less weight, I could pull it enough to get everything except for the ankles of the front feet off the ground before the rider pooped out.
GOOD ENOUGH!

Hmm... How do I untie the rope from the lawn mower, and tie it to the tree without losing everything that I had just done?? I didn't!  I used a second rope. I tied it to my original rope around the ankles and tied that to the tree!  Then I could put the rider in reverse, loosening the taught from the line without the goat falling back to the ground.  After I got it tied off, I inserted a stick into the chest cavity to hold it open.

Next up, skinning...
This wasn't such a bad job! It reminded me of weeding a garden...Mindless work. I admit, it was kind of fun to try and cut the skin away from the body without cutting into the meat. Notice, I said "Cut" and not "peel"?? lol!  The only thing that crossed my mind, were the people driving by seeing me do this.  The way my house faces, people can still get a clear view even though they are 300' away.  And with this goat being black and white, I thought; " Oh Great! Someone is probably thinking that I'm skinning a large dog!"

Given that it was my first time at skinning, my job wasn't perfect.  If you look at the solid hide you can see a few spots where I had gone through it making a small hole. And you can see a couple of thin spots of meat on it- where there shouldn't be.  But all in all, I'm pretty proud!

After I had the hide off, the only thing I had left to do was to make the carcass "cat proof".  The words "cat proof" and "bullet proof" kind of go hand in hand. Nothing can ever be bullet proof, it can only be bullet resistant. Same with cats...
To keep it out of cats reach the best I could, I tied a rope to the front legs, and tied that rope to the base of the tree. Right now the goat looks like a meat covered hammock with the way that it is hanging!  Not pretty, and not typical, but after all of that work of raising, feeding, and slaughtering,  I would be very sad to see it all become cat food.

All in all, today turned out to be one of those "I cannot believe that I did that" type of days.
I'm happy knowing that in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse (lol!) I would be able to eat.
I am SHOCKED at how "non icky" doing this slaughter was. Outside of getting a bit of initial kill "blood on my Uggs" (that's OK, they weren't authentic Ugg boots anyway! lol!) there wasn't any blood at all! There wasn't any blood, poo, or stink. I didn't even wear my rubber gloves (I wore my outside work gloves)
And the best part???

Hunting "Barnyard style" does have its advantages! No license required!