"Waiter! There's a fly in my Soup!"

I admit, *I* am a lowly server working in the food service industry.  For the most part I actually DO Love it! It's a great job for me! It's fast paced, active, mentally demanding, and mildly physical. The better the job you do, the more money you make. The bigger the smile you have, the more money you make.  The faster you are, the more money you make.  Everything about your income depends solely on YOU.  If you are having a bad day, your pay will reflect. 

Of course their are certain demographics that can pretty much guarantee a bigger payout. For instance, being female, a table of 6 men will give me a better payout then a table of 2 senior citizen women. A family with small kids will give me a better payout then 2 senior citizen men. Middle aged men?? SCORE!  Teenagers?? BUMMER. Creepy men that stare at you or your rear end?? SCORE!!

Like just recently, I had waited on a couple of middle aged, upper middle class men. A fellow waitress noticed that the one guy rubber necked right out of the booth to look at my "money maker" when I walked away from their table.  She thought that was the funniest thing ever because he is a regular (and generally not a creeper).  I am very body shy and turned completely red over this news (not to mention my "rump shaker" wouldn't be something I would give my OWN self a double take on! SOOOo not my best feature!)  After I crawled out from underneath my veil of embarrassment, we did have fun "setting him up"
(Oh look! I dropped my pen!)  just to see his reaction.

OOOohh The waitress games we play!

If you all only knew... *evil grin*

I don't mean to come off as shallow on the whole demographics thing, but let's face it. It's just business.  When you whore your smile for a living, you need to know what it's worth.

Any who, I do have a point in all of this,

Here we go...

One day, while working the day shift I was waiting on two late middle aged woman. They were friendly enough. No issues. They had both ordered a bowl of our famous chicken dumpling soup before their meals. Like any other ordinary order I fetched their soup right away.
I returned to their table holding two piping hot bowls of soup on a small round tray with my right hand.  With my left hand, I took the first bowl of soup off the tray, leaned over and presented it in front of one of the ladies.  As I leaned over the table to put the soup down in front of her, unbeknownst to me I leaned into the tray with the remaining bowl of soup...

(Um?? Er.?? How do I say this..??)

Ok, I will just SAY it!
I am NOT flat chested!
Call it a "gift", call it a "curse", kinda depends on how you look at "them"!
Personally, I'm not a fan. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have a "Lop-a-boob-off-a-me" performed!

Meanwhile.. back to the soup...

As I leaned over the tray, my BOOB dunked in her soup!!!  I immediately stood straight up and started to laugh.  The lady whose soup it was meant to be saw it happen and laughed too!  

(oooh but it gets worse!)

I SERVED IT TO HER!!!!

I don't quite know what happened, if she said she didn't care or we were just too busy laughing about it.. but somehow it slipped my mind to actually replace the soup! Besides, it "dunked", I didn't exactly send it on a 500 meter lap swim in it. And I didn't swish it around the rim a few times either!

(oooh it gets even worse!!)

After I left their table with them both quietly enjoying their soup, I dried my shirt and moved onto other things. The next thing I knew that lady who is enjoying my "boob soup" calls me over to her table.  She is laughing so hard she almost has tears rolling down her cheeks.  She proceeds to tell me that in my absence she leaned over the table to reach for an item and long behold...

SHE STUCK HER OWN BOOB IN THAT SOUP!

There we were... laughing hysterically as I offered her more napkins to dry her shirt.

(Got a GREAT tip off that table!)   

   

  

The Shit Gauntlet

Wow! I can't believe I actually "cussed" in the title! Oh well, I guess if Hollywood can name a movie "Kick Ass"- I can use that word once... Or perhaps I should say; If the GLOVE fits, wear it!

Of course the day started out like any other; wake up, drink some java, have a chat with my kids...
But today's topic of early morning conversation was a little different from the norm.  My daughter and I were talking about TESTICLES.

A few months back, we had purchased two bull calves to raise as food.  Seeing we name all of our steers "Stew", these two are *technically* Stew 6 & Stew 7.  We name them that not because we couldn't eat them if they had "normal" names, it just has become tradition- and kinda comical!  People say to me all the time "Awww, I don't know how you could raise/eat them? They are so cute!"  Well they may be cute when they only weigh 100lbs, but like most things in life- they grow out of their "cuteness" and become a real P.I.T.A when they are 1200+lbs.  Plus, my heart has become hardened over the years. My days of crying my eyes out when it came time to butcher Stew 1, begging and pleading how much I loved him- Are long gone.  Now I actually can't WAIT to ship them off when the time comes!

Anyway,

We don't de-horn our calves anymore. It just doesn't make sense to put them through the pain when they are only here for 15 months.  Their horns don't grow THAT big in such a short amount of time (only about 3" long).  But we of course DO castrate them.  Steers are retarded enough on their own accord, always trying to "mount" anything that moves- Having the added testosterone on them would make them even more a nightmare.

Our method of choice for castrating any male animal (besides horses & pigs- both require open castration) has always been the banding method. For those not familiar, "banding" is where you take a banding gun (it's not a "gun" it's more like a funky pliers), and a super strong little doughnut shaped rubber band (it looks just like a cheerio).  You place the rubber band on the banding gun, squeeze the handles, and the little cheerio spreads opens big enough (about 2" of opening) for you to place the testicles through. Once the testicles are through, you pull them (both testicles) down and place the rubber band up to where the scrotum meets the body. Gently pop the rubber band off the banding gun.. and PRESTO! Done!  Over time, the little bag of goodness loses circulation (like a rubber band on your finger), dries up, and falls off.


Simple right??


Not when you let the animal grow a bit first!  As they grow so does their... Er??.... "Nether parts".  And then when you finally remember that you still need to band the calves, you sit there scratching your head, bander in one hand, testicles in the other and wonder; HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FIT *THAT* THROUGH THIS SMALL HOLE??  Envision trying to stuff a lemon through the peep hole of your front door- and you will know how I felt! (slight exaggeration, but you get the gist!)


Did I mention I'm not a fan of the Bovine family??


AKA: I hate them.  To be Frank, I'm actually afraid of them. I do not like jumpy, large, stupid steers. I find them to be the dumbest animals on earth.  They are solely autonomic animals, seeming to lack any form of learning capabilities or reason. (great.. now I'm going to get blasted by every cow lover on the planet with THAT statement!)  Bovine also have the stealthy ability to kick you in every direction possible with their back feet too!


Have I mentioned *I've* never personally banded anything before??


So... There I was (nervous), bander in hand...My daughter holding the front half, while I was fondling the back end testing the waters (so to say) to see if it was going to kick me a good one.  With all systems a go, I grabbed them, gently slid them through, slid up the band, and popped it off the gun.  GOLDEN!  No kicking, no big production. The steer was oblivious to what just happened.  Calf number 2 went off without a hitch too. Cake!


Then I looked back at calf number 1 and I started to wonder if I should not have put the band up higher to the body.  As I was walking to grab another band, I kept thinking about the old game show "Press Your Luck".  I've made it through two times already without getting kicked, and now I want to re-band the first one and do it again??? On top of it, the element of surprise is now gone too.


*Spins wheel* No Whammies!! No Whammies!! No Whammies!!


As I'm repeating step one, I'm focusing harder than EVER on my job... Get it right this time, don't get kicked, be quick...   And then....

Ain't Karma A Bitch.

     


          

If the Devil walked the earth..."SWYPE" would be his name!

Let me start off: (for those of you that are not familiar with "Swype")

"Swype" is a texting software program mainly used on mobile Android operating devices that enables you to slide your finger over the letters to make a word instead of "Hen Pecking" out each individual letter on a virtual keyboard.  The goal of this feature is to (supposedly) make Texting a conversation quicker and easier.

Quicker? You Betcha!
You can smear out a word at lightening speed! It's an absolutely AMAZING feature when conversations are lengthy, or when you are in a hurry!

Easier? Yes!
When I turn OFF my "Swype" and Hen Peck each letter the "old fashioned" way, it seems to take forever to write even the simplest of sentences. Not to mention, with not having any physical keys on a virtual keyboard it makes "fat fingering" (hitting the wrong letter) a common problem for me.

Sooo.... Based on those two criteria I would have to say YES! "Swype" is a GREAT program! BUT (isn't there always a "But"??) here is where the problem rears its ugly head...

Accurate? NOT SO MUCH...
First, let me say that whomever created and wrote this software program has an even better sense of humor than even *I* do!  I can totally envision a group of Masterminds sitting around having quite a few "Get this!" "If they Swype THIS word it will write THIS instead" (followed by hysterical laughter) moments. But, in all honestly, as much as I seem to HATE Swype, I would LOVE to meet this software Genius just to shake his/her hand to say "Well played...Well played..."

The joke in my Social Circle is how if you Swype something simple like: "Hi! How are you today?" on the screen will appear something totally unrelated to what you have just Swyped like: "Hi! You have a great Vagina!"  Many times over have all of us sent each other WACKY texts on accident that damn near make you *blush*!

If it only had a Brain... (Suddenly I'm doing a Wizard of Oz jig at my computer)
You would think that in this day in age with our World's rapid advancement in software technology, that this program would have the capabilities to LEARN based on your personal Swyping patterns.  Sure, there are some fine-tuning program settings that you can adjust as to if you want it to be geared more towards speed or accuracy- but it still can't "learn" your Swyping style.  Heck! I would even settle for this software to be smart enough to recognize common sentences and phrases without plopping in the strangest dictionary word EVER into its place.

For instance, just Swyping the sentence: "I have a question" writes: "I have a quatrain"

REALLY??? WHAT THE F' IS A QUATRAIN??
(Granted, being the Geek I am, I now know that a "Quatrain" is a complete poem consisting of 4 lines of verse- Betcha Didn't know that! lol!)

But WHY would the word "Quatrain" be more common then the simple English word of "Question" is my question.

Here are just a couple other examples of "Swype Speak" (it's damn near its own language! lol!):

I Swyped: "Awwee, that makes me sad". It wrote: "Awwee, that baked me dad"
I Swyped: "I'm exhausted, I keep falling a sleep" It wrote: "I'm exhausted, keep falling sheep"

If you ever want a laugh go to this website: Damn You Auto Correct it's filled with public submissions like these (that are WAY funnier than my examples) Hmm... wish I got a kick back for promoting their website! lol!

Another thing I hate about Swype is that it seems to get a "hiccup" and will put in the same wrong word EVERY time you Swype that common word.  I have a few common words that I constantly use and I have to go back and correct it prior to hitting enter- Every fricken time!  Not quite sure how that happened. Sure, I may have used the other word once or twice- but REALLY?? NOT every time I make that Swype motion.  Yes, yes.. I *could* clear out my Swype's history, but then I would lose every word I had it "acknowledge" over time and would have to start all over. I wish you could be selective, and delete individual words instead of all of the history.

All in all, even though Swype is TRULY the Devil, it HAS provided the daily grind (we call life) with some rather unexpected humor.  Us, everyday users have come to terms with our "Swype Speak" and are getting rather good at deciphering its messed up language.

Now just don't get me started on Swype's Devilish partner in crime called "Speech to text"- that's a whole other Demon... It too is loaded with idiosyncrasies.  One day while using it, I basically told someone I wanted to "Hook up with their Facebook".  Grrr.....Not cool.... :)



   










  

If It Fits, It Ships!

This morning while I was outside weeding my garden, my almost adult teenage daughter (who was doing the A.M chores) hollered for me to come. I immediately stopped what I was doing because I knew that "something" was up (she never calls for me).  When I got there, she told me that our yearling Boer Goat Buck had passed on over night.

There he was, bloated, feet up, and dead as a door nail.  This wasn't a big shocker to her and I, for we both knew before hand that something had been up with him. He had been listless, and lacking overall vigor for quite some time.  Other then being dull, he wasn't showing any other signs of illness.  Not to mention, all of the other goats are very happy and healthy.

Upon spying my "A.D.D" (All Done Dancing) goat, my initial reaction to my daughter was to jokingly ask "Oh My! How much dewormer DID you give him yesterday??"  After that quick bout of humor, I learned that the drug/dose wasn't anything out of the ordinary. 

Then my mind started to reel, and I started to think: Great, NOW what do I do with him?? He's big, and it's already close to 90 degrees out! *I'm* not digging THAT hole!

And in the near distance I heard my answer...

Luckily, Fridays are our garbage collection day, and on our street I heard the garbage truck approaching.  I told my daughter to quickly run to the end of our driveway and grab the can. And so she went. (Well, er.. about as quick as a 17 year old generally moves - like molasses on a cold winter day!) In the meantime, I started to drag this adult, over 150 lb stiff goat up from the lower field, through the backyard, heading toward the driveway.  What a challenge this was!  Because I was pulling his back legs, every pull by me made his horns plow the earth like a Farrow Plow, creating a drag.  

Meanwhile, the garbage truck was just a few houses away, creeping ever closer with each passing second. My mind was starting to race with panicky thoughts;  If I don't get THIS goat in THAT can TODAY- it will be stuck here another 8 days! (collection is delayed a full day due to a Holiday during the pick-up week)

To ad to my frustration, my daughter came back WITHOUT the garbage can and said; "The garbage man hasn't come yet, so I didn't bring the can" (LOVE the mentality of teenage kids! *NOT*) I of course replied with a "DUH!" (My plan was to get that goat inside of it BEFORE the garbage man came.)  I sent her off yet again to quickly fetch the can.

When she returned empty handed for the SECOND time-she proceeded to tell me that the can was full. ARRRRR! So I said: "Fine! We will wait for him to empty it, THEN we will load the goat into it, and THEN I will drag it across the street and wait for him to come."

And that's what we did! 

That goat was SO heavy that her and I could barely pick it up and put it in the over 4' tall automated garbage can!  Once we finally managed, I wheeled the can across the street. I sat on the shoulder of the road with it and waited....

While I waited, I kept thinking to myself what if he see's that it's not garbage the automated arm is dumping into his truck?  Then I had an idea.  I left the can sit and quickly ran back across the street to the garage, grabbed some garbage and threw it on top to try and "hide" the little bugger, and waited. 

As he pulled up, he looked at me wryly as if to wonder what the Hell I was doing standing on the side of the road with my garbage can he had JUST emptied a few moments ago.  As I looked at him I was instantly wondering how on earth I was going to pull this off?  I kept envisioning feet flying through the air into his mobile rubbish bin!  This is NEVER going to work! 

And so I did what any female with half a brain cell in her head would have done... 

I turned on my CHARM!  Granted, as much "Charm" as I could muster up in the very early A.M, wearing my PJ's, while standing on the opposite side of the road, with a dead goat in a garbage can.

I knew as long as he kept his focus on me, and NOT the flying feet flipping out of my can into his mobile bin, this should go smoothly.  With that, I worked my magic... The first thing out of his mouth to me was; "Didn't I just empty this can?" And I replied: "Oh please take my garbage again. I am SO sorry to make you have to do this a second time. I REALLY feel bad for putting you behind schedule. But with the Holiday weekend coming up, I just didn't want this to sit here a week and an extra day with this hot weather".  

And with that plea (or whine, kinda depends on how you look at it!), he was nice enough to empty it a second time.

Never once did I break eye contact with him and look at the flying goat. A person's natural reaction is to look in the direction you are looking, and if I looked at the can being emptied, so would he. Once the can was safely back on the ground I Thanked him again, and was on my way. 

Whew! That was a close one! Hey, I didn't lie to him, it really DID need to go.  But I didn't offer up any incriminating information either! 

Now I know most of you are thinking how disgusting to throw a dead animal of "larger size" into our local landfill. But in my defense, let me mention a few things.  I had previously checked our County's Waste Management Website just to make sure I wasn't breaking any laws.  There are plenty of things listed that you cannot throw away, but fortunate for me livestock and dead animals were not listed.  Second, this is organic matter. Way less of an evil then most everyday household rubbish. And lastly, the local landfill is where most livestock goes when you hire a commercial hauler. Here in my community dead horses, and cows with antibiotics that cannot be a food source ("food source" for things like Mink farms) get tossed away to decompose at the local landfill.

All I can say is Thank You God for Automated Garbage Collection! .... If it fits, it ships :)                 

   

Ice Cream Is For Sissies

Now that I have spent a complete week acknowledging and wallowing in my "Anti Birthday" (Urban Dictionary it!) I am slowly coming to terms with the reality of the big event.

The reality is that NOTHING will change when the clock strikes 12:01 am (3 hours from now- YEAH!! I'm not a senior citizen yet! Hey, I'm not perfect, I said I was slllloooooowwwwwllly coming to terms with it)

I've spent all of today, the last day in my 30's, thinking about my life. Where it has been, where it is going...

And quite frankly, 

I've had an INCREDIBLE life!

The more I had thought about it, the more I had realized that I've done more things in my ONE life, and have had more experiences that most people only dream about!

So CHEERS to me! 

And in celebration I will (quickly) list the top 40 things in my life that have made it a memorable ride.

(In no particular order!)

#40. (This one is one of my 2 "Claims to fame"):  I can suck start a waterbed off a 50' hose. When I was 20 and had my first apartment, I had a super single waterbed. When I was moving out, it of course needed to be drained. I screwed one end of the hose to the bed, and the other end I ran into the bathtub in the other room. Being young/dumb I didn't have an electric pump to get the bed to start to drain. And so I sucked, and sucked, and sucked, on that hose until the siphon started and the bed drained. A HUGE feat! I damn near passed out trying to get that bed to drain! 

#39. (This is my second "Claim to fame"):  My ass caused a car accident. Yes, you did read that correctly! When I was in my early 20's I was a C.S.O (Community Service Officer) for a local Police Dept. I was bent over outside of an officer's vehicle talking to him through the window while he was parked along side a busy intersection. Moments later you heard the crash. Being right there, he of course went directly to the accident. The driver of the car confessed right away that the reason he hit the car in front of him was because he was staring at MY ass. Hey, what can I say.. Everyone is HOT in their 20's- including me!

#38. I've puked out of a Police Squad car I was in early pregnancy with my first child when I was completing my ride along hours for school- The Sheriff's dept. I was riding with was located in a very hilly, windy road community. Motion sickness got the best of me- made the officer pull off the road, I opened the door and heaved my guts out! Not a proud moment in my life. lol! 

#37.  I've rolled (with) a monster truck tire down a big hill while holding two $20.00 bills.  I tripped. The huge tire, the money, and I went flopping all the way down the hill. While laying on my back at the bottom of the hill I held my arm in the air- and long behold, I NEVER dropped the money! My friends laughed hysterically because I never dropped the money :) 

#36.  I've seen my father cry, and saw my first dead person. When I was a pre-teen, my parents and I were at his company's summer picnic in a park, on the lake. A couple of kids came running up to the table that my parents and their friends were at. They were frantic and said that one of their friends didn't "come up". The kids were trying to float across the channel on a picnic table. My father and his friend quickly jumped into the water to search for the missing boy, but they searched without success.  Luckily, one of my father's friends was an avid diver and again as luck would have it, had his dive equipment in the trunk of his car.  The diver fished the drown young boy out of the bottom of a "V" shaped channel. My mother then proceeded to do CPR until the ambulance had arrived. I remember standing watching this horror story unfold. I saw the blueness of the boys lips, his lifeless body, and his blue fingernails. I also watched the wailing mother of the dead boy lose control of her emotions over the loss of her son.  That was the first and only time in my life I have seen my father cry. 

Ooof! That's a sad one, let's get back to happier times!

#35.  I shot my first deer (hunting) when I was 12, with a 222 cal. ONE shot, 200+ yards through the heart. Oh yeah! Made my daddy proud!  I grew up shooting from around the age of 9. My father was (is) an expert marksman and had always made sure I knew how to shoot/use firearms. I grew up shooting, even being on a youth shooting league. 

#34.  I was fortunate while driving one night to look in my rear view mirror at the exact moment to watch a car flip end over end.  Late one night a friend and I were driving out of town to go to a friend's house.  I just happened to check my mirror.  No cars were immediately behind me, only the one I saw flip about 100' behind us.  I was dumbfounded at what I saw. I quickly turned around. When we arrived, I jumped out of the car, and had my friend take my car back into town where we had just passed an officer running radar. I ran up to an upside down SUV on it's roof. It had gone off the road and hit a driveway culvert dead on, and flipped end over end. Luckily, there was only one adult male occupant in the vehicle.  The car was still running and leaking gas. Fortunately, the driver wasn't hurt- Just drunk. I spent what felt like eternity trying to keep him from fleeing the scene until the officer arrived to haul him away. 

#33.  I passed my Paramedic State & National Registry Exam on the first try. I spent quite a few years as a licensed Paramedic. Unfortunately, because I wasn't willing to relocate to find a job... I never could find a job in that field, and let my licenses lapse (stupid, stupid, stupid move on my part!)

#32.  I've jumped off a 40' cliff. Yup, at the local quarry. Some friends and I had a "dare" to see who would jump off of it into the water first. After lots of rounds of teasing, I made a run for it and was the first to jump. Granted, I hurt myself BAD on the landing (my legs hit the water and I hyper extended both knees). I couldn't walk for almost a week. And to this day I still have pain in my knees when the weather is bad. 

#31.  I went to school for Law Enforcement.  But then decided to go to school for EMT & Paramedic. People love the girl with the Band-Aid far more then they love the girl with the gun! 

#30. My old CB radio "Handle" is still my email address to this day. Um.. not really proud of that one, just thought I'd toss it in here :) 

#29. I've had the COOLEST cars! My first car was a German made 1973 Opel GT. I got it right after my 16th birthday (paid for it myself) It was my first adventure at driving a manual car. My second car was a 1971 Ford Maverick "Grabber" 302, V8 that I got as a HS graduation gift. I used to street race the "grabber" for fun. Guys didn't like to believe that that was MY car.  I actually still own the the Grabber. It's been in storage for a zillion years. 

#28. I have my cycle license and own a motorcycle.

#27. I used to go paint balling

#26. I was a CPR Instructor

#25. I was a Girl Scout troop Leader

#24. I've gotten pulled over for numerous offenses: Mainly for speeding in my Maverick! I used to have a knack at getting them to let me go without a ticket *bats doe eyes* I was even able to get out of a speeding ticket from a state trooper (unheard of!) But I've been pulled over for stupid things too like: too small steering wheel in my maverick, tinted windows (when I didn't have any) etc..

#23. A Turkey got me an underage drinking fine. Yes, a real live turkey! As you already know, I am not a big drinker. It was 2 months before my 21st birthday and some friends and I were camping at a local state park. At our campsite we had this wild tom turkey that was enthralled with us. It just wouldn't leave! It jumped on the vehicles (the claws leave NASTY gouges in car paint by the way), it strutted all round.. all day long it sat by us. Unfortunately, someone driving past thought we had it tied up (we didn't) and called the Warden on us. Long behold, "said" Warden sat in the brush and watched underage me take a drink of a beer. I got what I deserved, but I did make her write on the citation (for whatever reason) that I only had half a can of beer.

#22. I've had a Pulmonary Embolism. (Blood Clots in my lungs) I went four days with it before I finally gave into the pain (I thought I had just pulled a muscle from throwing hay) before I went to the ER. They immediately wanted to hospitalize me for a week. I was so shocked that I asked them if I could go home and come back because I didn't have anything at the hospital. They of course said "Heck No!" Needless to say, I learned later that a PE is very serious and can have a 70% death rate because the clot technically has traveled through your heart before it lodges in your lungs.

#21. I've broken one bone. My clavicle

#20. I've went from a life in the city, to a life on a farm. Well, I would think we all know this by now! But I had never even seen a cow (outside of a county fair) before I lived where I live now.

#19. I've gone Repelling I will not lie! It's scary stuff to back yourself off a cliff!

#18. I was (until recently) an avid Diver. I used to be a rescue diver for the National power boat races, and spent one summer as a rescue diver for our local air show. I know, airplanes?? Rescue diver?? how do they match?? In case of emergency, planes were instructed to ditch their aircraft in the local lake where we stood by. 

#17. I'm a Paranormal Investigator Not one I really talk about "openly". People either like the idea, or think you are wacky. 5 years I have been doing both residential/commercial investigations. I am a skeptic. I always believe their is an explainable explanation for their experiences. 

#16. I like Sushi - love trying different foods! Granted, I won't eat crickets, or bull testicles.. or anything outlandish like that! But I do find that most of the time weird food is just mind over matter. 

#15. I've had my first child at home on purpose. Cried when I had to have the second one in the hospital because of past medical conditions (clotting history)

#14. I've been body pierced and I have 1 tatoo

#13. I love going fishing! I fish all the time! I love to catch rough fish (sheephead etc..) to plant in my garden next to my tomato plants

#12. I've gone White Water Rafting I've also body surfed smaller rapids, and have canoed larger rapids.

#11. I've flown in a Sea Plane

#10. I've done a 1 mile solo Canoe portage in the Boundry Waters of Canada with a big ass, heavy aluminum canoe!

#9. I've gone 4 wheeling, jet skiing, tubing, snowmobiling, skiing, snowshoeing.

#8. I used to own snakes, and have been bitten twice

#7. I've been on a Ride Along with the Vancouver Police Dept. Where I saw hookers (never had seen one before!), and a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a crow bar.

#6. I've been to New Orleans - Twice. I was fascinated with their cockroaches! They are HUGE and everywhere!

#5. I've experienced the Miracle of life watching things be born, and the sadness of death. 

#4. I've cried during sappy movies

#3. I've been in Love, have been Loved, and have had my heart broken.

#2. I've swam across the Menominee River The other side never looks that far away until you have to swim it!

#1. I've applied to be on Survivor. Season 2. Glad I never got that one- It was in the desert! Not my cup of tea!

Whoo! Hoo! What a ride it's been!


Those of course aren't the ONLY things I have done with my life. Basically they are the ONLY ones that came to my mind during writing this! I have had plenty more "OMG!! Get this!!" moments. Granted, proof reading this blog entry has made me wonder if I am actually "female", given most of my experiences aren't something most girls would do! LOL!!

I'm Grateful for my "Bat Shit Crazy" life!

My free will, and love for life & adventure, has given me the ability to to turn an ordinary life into an extraordinary life! SO... So what if I'm 40! I don't foresee myself slowing down any time soon. (Besides, I've been told that 40 is the "new 20")


Now you are probably wondering what on earth does Ice Cream have to do with all of this?

When I was wallowing in my own misery (aka: Peeing in my own Happiness Pool) regarding my upcoming birthday... I really was planning on laying in bed all day, covers pulled up, watching sappy movies, all while eating Ice Cream. But FACT is, I'm too strong willed to let something as simple as a number keep me down! Why wallow when I can make memories today! Not to mention I pretty much hate Ice Cream anyway. :)

           

"Cougar"... Is that French for "Old Whore"??

Do you know how hard it was to find a picture of a Cougar without coming across a picture joke of some old lady with her breasts hanging out while looking like she is trolling the kindergarten looking for a date???

Oh Look! Here she is! Told you they're everywhere!

In four days, the biggest bomb of my life gets dropped on me. It is my 40th Birthday. Oh no, I said it out loud! (just typing the words is making my stomach feel queezy again!)  Can't I just tell you my weight instead?? I feel by far more comfortable telling you something that should be WAY more worse then measly AGE.

I just cannot believe how this ONE looming birthday has put me under so much duress that I feel as if my head is going to pop off- I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't think straight, I'm impatient, I'm easily rattled, etc., etc... 

Why do *I* have to be 40? I don't look "old" (or so I've been told), I don't act "old", and I don't feel "old".  Are we sure their isn't a major typo on my birth certificate? You know, it was published in Canada "Aye", anything is possible. (joke!)   

So now what do I do? The majority of my friends are significantly younger then me. Do I stop having & making friends that are younger then me because now I will look like a "creeper"??? I'm not saying I'm trying to be something I'm not.  Do not confuse me for immature. Because frankly, THAT I am not. I'm just outgoing & social.  But my mind keeps imaging an old SNL skit scene with a 20 something yr old man, wearing his old letter jacket to a beer party held by a bunch of HS kids. Is that what I look like? (Well...er... Minus the Penis). Or is the above picture what I now look like? A female "Cougar" dangling some candy out in front of her... "fishing". Well, theoretically she is using her boobs as candy. And yeah, she has way better boobs then I do! Amazing what money can buy! 

Crap. My train just derailed. I better get back on point.

What to do on my "Monumental Day Of Horror" has been on the forefront of my mind for the past week. I am tossed between two things; carry on and pretend like it's not happening? -Or-  Lay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head eating a gallon of chocolate ice cream- Wallowing in my own death.

Most people I know have a big whoop-de-doo at the local pub.  I don't want to do the bar thing.. I'm not very good at drinking, and I'm a lightweight.  That experience would be short lived leaving me home early and puking my guts out. Not exactly what I call "fun".  Not to mention I like dance clubs, not belly up to the bar, type of bars.  

So, I thought about disk golfing during the afternoon.  That sounded fun, and a lil non typical -spur of the moment.  (And that would leave the evening open to spend with my kidlets/fam). Unfortunately, it is very hard to organize an outing on a Tuesday afternoon when most of the general population works during the day/week. Plus, I didn't want to sucker people in with answering "Why" Tuesday. Again, not really wanting to acknowledge "My Death", having people only go because they felt obligated, or "sorry" for me :)  I am a firm believer in Free Will. You either can/want to go, or don't. It shouldn't matter the reason for it.  Or perhaps I didn't want to say "Why" because I just don't like being the center of attention. 

Hmm... Center of attention.... Maybe that's the true reason I didn't want to have a huge get together ?? It's possible. *poof!* Epiphany... 

It's amazing how much age plays a factor in life. Just the other day I was going to register for my first Triathlon.  But when I entered in my birth date, it registered me as being 39 (cause I am). It would have been a stupid move on my part to have registered then, and so I didn't.  When registering, everyone gets tossed into specific age brackets, 30-39, 40-49, etc.. From a competitive standpoint, I would have been one of the oldest in my age bracket come race day. By waiting until after my birthday to register- it makes me one of the youngest in my new OLD age bracket.     

YEAH!!!! Happy Birthday to me, here's your new age bracket. ((bangs head on desk)).

I admit, I've silently wished the Mayans would have predicted the end of the world to happen on Monday, June 18th.  That way I would forever be NOT 40. But instead, it is of course predicted for the winter months (if you believe that crap) and LUCKY ME- I will be 40 FOREVER.  *sigh*    

  

       

It's Looming...

6 more days until it happens. 
Time is running out for me.
The clock is ticking.
This one will be impossible for me to just "brush off".
I'm supposed to enjoy these final days... but honestly, they have been a living Hell.
I don't know what the big deal is, I've watched this happen to other people.
They have all gone through it with a smile.
I just don't feel like this "fits" me.
It's not meant to be.
It's inevitable.
It's not fair.
The pressure is mounting.
I feel like I could stand on the highest mountain and just scream WHY ME!!!